Pythons, Mice, & Confessions

I have a confession to make.

A couple of years ago, I took our children's' pet mice, drove them out to a remote country field, and flung them out the window. Off they ran to greener pastures...to freedom.

The kids were told that their mice went off to be "city mice". The younger ones believed it. The older ones probably thought they went to that great big Swiss Cheese Factory In The Sky. But if word got to the little ones that I had driven the mice in the dead of night and tossed them out into a pasture, the scars would run deep.

The honest truth was that mice make horrible pets. Sorry, I said it. They are noisy, messy, and smelly. Sure, they are cute when they run laps on their wheels, but the cuteness of that is not as endearing as the acuteness of their stench.

Plus no one was paying much attention to them, except for our Ball Python (the kids called it a BALD Python in honor of me). So off I ran like a gangster in "Goodfellas", looking in my rear view mirror to make sure no one was following me.

The last thing I remember seeing was the fuzzy rear end of each mouse as I tossed them out the window into a pasture.

Let's fast forward to the latest stories about how the Burmese Python is going to spread out across America. It already has a foothold in southern Florida and is seeking to spread out across the greatest nation that has ever existed.

Lucky us.

These aren't the cute, smaller sized pythons like the Ball Python we own. These buggers can grow to be 20 long and weigh 250 pounds. They pose a threat to pets (ask the family in Australia that had the family dog get devoured by one) and children. And also "small people" in general. Gasp. That gives me the shivers. I am short by most standards.

The reason the Burmese Python is spreading out is because people have released them into the wild.

Just don't do that!! Please!

Sure, I am guilty of releasing a couple of mice into a remote field, but they will hardly pose a threat to small children or pets. They probably got eaten up (man, I am glad my youngest kids are just now learning to read) that same night by an owl. Or maybe by a Burmese Python that was also released in the area.

But...gasp...what if they didn't?? What if those cute, tiny mice mutated into something bigger, uglier, and meaner?? What if the Cloverfield monster that attacked humanity in the recent movie of the same name was actually the offspring of those two mice.

Oh Heavens. I could never live with that guilt on my shoulders.

The moral of this story and confession?

Don't release pythons into the wild.

And remember that mice make lousy pets.

How Will The Country Survive?

Starbucks is closing all of its locations today. All 7,100 stores across America.

Did that just make you panic?? Admit it. You started reaching for the defibrillator, didn't you? The thought of a world without Starbucks made you rethink the very nature of the universe.

Well, they are closing today. But for only 3 hours. Bear in mind that 3 hours for most of us equates to 9 weeks for the hardcore coffee lovers out there. What on earth will they do when the doors close at 5:30pm local time today for THREE HOURS?

That's up to them. Maybe they can get their fix earlier or later in the day. The country should survive this. It might, anyway.

But why are those doors closing for so long? Because the "baristas" are being trained and
re-trained on the finer points of customer service and coffee production. It's all part of the Seattle based company's refocusing on the customer experience.

Don't get me wrong. I love a good Frappuccino on a hot day. Heck, I drank one the other day and it was 40 degrees outside. They are tasty, yes.

But let's stop this whole nonsense that making the drinks is somehow analogous to building a dining room set or cracking enemy codes.

It isn't. I used to make many coffee beverages when I was in high school working at a movie theater. Some drinks were trickier than others, maybe, but none of it was rocket science. And giving someone the title of "barista" is frankly ludicrous.

You make coffee!! Not that it's a bad thing. Millions of people would sink into the sea without their daily cup of caffeine. But let's not make it fancy and all!

Why is making a coffee drink at Starbucks any more difficult for the server to make than a taco is for the server at Taco Bell? It isn't. You have the recipes in front of you or memorized and it's the same drink over and over and over again. Sure, people throw you for a loop and ask for customized drinks. But still. It's not curing cancer.

You don't see the guy at Burger King with a tip jar, do you? Why not? Isn't he worthy as well? That's another thing that makes me crazy. You nuke a breakfast sandwich for me, pour coffee into a cup, and then hit me with a huge tip jar at the drive in window?

I don't think so.

I'm glad I got that off my chest. Now go run off to Starbucks. You've been warned. Three hours is a long time to go without a designer cup of coffee. But remember. Just breathe, count to 10, and know that all will turn out alright.

The New Color of Money

Doesn't it seem like they keep redesigning our American currency every five seconds? Even before some vending machines have learned to accept the new bills, NEWER bills are unveiled.

I hate this. Leave my money alone! Well, it really isn't mine, is it. It's not yours, either. Truth is the government can keep dumbing down and making our money ugly and there's not much we can do about it.

But we can blog about it! We don't have to take it sitting down!

The new $5 bill makes its debut this month, and it's as dumb and as ugly as ever. Luckily, Lincoln is still the face on the bill. But it's riddled with yellow dots that upon close inspection reveal miniature numbers. There are various watermarks that THIS time will stop counterfeiters, right??

But the ugliest and distressing part of the new $5 bill is on the back. The bottom right hand corner has a number 5 that is bigger than the other three corners. It's also in a cheap looking font. And it's...gasp...PURPLE. Yes, the number 5 in the bottom right corner is PURPLE.

You see, it makes it easier to tell what bill it is when you are fanning through your money. It's sad that we have gone from identifying bills at a glance based on the statesmen who adorn the once elegant currency. Now you don't need to remember that Lincoln in on the $5 bill. Just look in the corner and let the purple number 5 help you set it apart!

It's official. American currency now looks like SpongeBob Monopoly money. Fan through your wallet pretty soon and it will look like you just raided the Bank of Parker Brothers.

Watch and see. This won't be the last redesign. The counterfeiters will outsmart the Feds as they always do and pretty soon our money will be pink, plastic, and the size of a stamp.

Wonder how Honest Abe will look in pink.

Whatever Happened To Class?

Here we go again. Another person does something stupid and irresponsible and tasteless and then turns it around and tries to make it out to be a civil rights violation against THEM.

A man in the Sacramento suburb of Elk Grove got in trouble with California Family Fitness for wearing a shirt that most people with class would consider inappropriate. It read: "I Need A Man Or A Date...Serious Inquiries Only" and then included a phone number.

But it was just a gag! Get it?? What happened to your sense of humor! That's FUNNY!

No, it's not. It's dumb. It's tasteless. And it is totally inappropriate for ANY gym, especially one that caters to FAMILIES.

Gyms are supposed to be places where people go to work out and train their bodies and minds, not meat markets of the tackiest order. Want to find companionship? Put out a classified ad in the local paper.

Now the patron, David Cano, is saying his rights have been violated. That they only cried foul because he is a gay male and the gym is bigoted towards gay men.

HOGWASH.

He claims that if a woman wore the same shirt, men wouldn't have a problem with it. Maybe some men wouldn't. But I think most would. And I think ALL FEMALE clients defintely would.

It has NOTHING to do with gay bashing or discrimination of any sort. It has to do with something a growing number of Americans know nothing about today--CLASS.

Remember CLASS? Your grandparents had it. Maybe even your parents. But this generation is CLUELESS about it.

Now the ACLU is weighing in and saying that if the gym chain didn't have specific rules against that specific kind of shirt, it might be hard for them to stand by their case.

HUH??

They need SPECIFIC LANGUAGE?? Did older generations NEED to be told not to wear such filth and idiocy on their persons?

I hope this man loses his case. And I hope his loss humiliates not only him but the countless others just waiting to make a Federal case out of NOTHING. This guy ought to talk to people who have truly had their civil rights infringed upon. I don't think they will take too kindly to his cries of injustice.

I am glad the gym did the right thing. I only hope now they aren't punished for it.

Two More Reasons I Feel Old

In case you haven't heard, an updated version of the 1980's "Knight Rider" series is debuting this weekend as a two hour movie. I was hoping the earliest rumors were false, but lo and behold we have another "Re-tread in the Age of No New Ideas" on our hands.

I was a kid in grammar school when the original series starring David Hasselhoff was all the rage on television. Every kid (and maybe some adults, I'm sure) dreamed of having their very own talking black Trans Am that could drive itself and talk to you and enage its Turbo Boost if you needed to make up a few extra minutes by jumping a train.

I remember seeing one of the actual cars from the series on a family trip to Universal Studios. Way back in the days when DeLoreans made good time machines.

Well, the Turbo Boost feature is gone (bad for the ozone maybe?) and KITT is now a black Ford Mustang (no hip youth of today even knows what a Trans Am is). And KITT stands for Knight Industries THREE Thousand. Hey! When I was a kid, it stood for Knight Industries TWO Thousand.

But that's because I am old. Look at me. Sitting here in my pajamas blogging about a television show that is more than a quarter of a century old now. OUCH. That hurt just to say it!

Why remake "Knight Rider" anyway? Why not come up with a NEW idea?? Hey, here's one they could have used during the writer's strike.

A futuristic Prius that not only gets 500 miles to the gallon, but drives by itself, too! It could have the little red light bobbing back and forth as it silently cruises the highways looking for soccer moms driving alone in 9-miles to the gallon SUVs. Then it could fire Vegan bullets at the tires and drive them off the road! Yay!! Instead of chasing after petty thiefs and white collar criminals, the new Veggie Delight Rider could nab people with too many children or those who refuse to reuse their towels day after day in hotels!

Now THERE'S some entertainment! And original, too!

And now my second latest reason for feeling old...

Polaroid has announced it will discontinue production of its instand film. The company already stopped making their cameras over the last couple of years.

Man, remember Polaroids??

If you are a kid today, you probably think that's something Barry Bonds took before all of those home runs.

No, Polaroids were revolutionary cameras that let you develop your pictures almost instantly. The first models actually came out in the 1940s, but I remember the one my father had in the 70s and 80s. Remember? With the big red button? All you had to do was point, snap, and shake the picture the camera spit out and there you had it. A photograph!!

Today's kids are raised on even more instant gratification. Digital cameras. Polaroids today seem like a cheap movie prop where you can see the strings holding it up. But they were so much fun in the day. I might have to buy one on e-Bay and create a stockpile of film before it's too late.

Someday I can whip them out and show my grandkids what Polaroids were, along with shadow puppets and imagination.

Guess who else must be feeling old? Actor Val Kilmer. He went from being Batman and Doc Holliday and a big shot star to voicing the new KITT in "Knight Rider".

We both must be wondering where all those lines on our faces came from.

Where's Turbo Boost when you need it?

Have a Happy Un-Valentine's Day!

Valentine's Day is a couple days away. OH NO! What on earth are you going to do??

Well, if you are the average man, you will spend $163.37 on your Sweetie. Ladies, you being the more sensible sex, will spend $84.72 on your Pookie Pie.

That's a LOT of money, isn't it?? On cards, candy, and flowers?? Dinner out??

I used to fall into that trap. Spending loads of money I didn't have just because Hallmark and friends convinced me that this was one of the only ways to celebrate love.

Now that I am older, I see the true scam that it is!! For adults, anyway. I think it is a staple of childhood for youngsters to write each other Valentine's Day cards with candy hearts attached. I can still remember how special that made me feel growing up. My face would turn various shades of crimson everytime I opened them up. Especially the ones from the girls.

So let the kids celebrate Valentine's with each other. It is a cute and worthwhile ritual of youth. But why on earth would a level headed adult spend 4 times as much on a dozen roses Thursday than they would today?? Why would you want to eat dinner in a crowded restaurant eating an overly priced dinner when you can take your Sweetie out TONIGHT and save money, time, and stress?

Valentine's Day is JUST A DAY ON THE CALENDAR!

Luckily, my Better Half agrees. In fact, she is the one who convinced me that we should just do what we always do--love and cherish each other EVERY DAY!

The same way you shouldn't cherish your parents only on Mother's Day and Father's Day, you shouldn't cherish your Snuggle Bear in mid February just because the commercials are telling you to.

The better way to go is to love your Snickerdoodle each day more than the last. To shower them with niceties and flowers and dinners and sunsets and songs when it is heartfelt and not a vibrating reminder on your Blackberry.

So stop calling every restaurant in town trying to find a last minute reservation and have a very happy UN-Valentine's Day this year. And take the money you WOULD have spent on each other and put it towards a vacation or dinner or night out when the crowds are thin and the love is ripe.

Ah yes. Love is grand. But that doesn't mean it has to COST a grand.

Spencer's Diet - So Far, So Good

I have been on my new "diet" for a couple of weeks now. I may be down only 4 or 5 pounds, but it's the attitude adjustment that has made the biggest difference so far.

I can actually take the kids to McDonald's and order an Asian Salad with no dressing. Just this weekend, we went to Carl's Jr. and I ordered a side salad with salsa as the only topping. When would I EVER have done that?

Well, it's all the time now.

For the first time in forever, I don't crave junk food and sweets. It's not a part of me anymore. because it is counterproductive to my weight loss and health goals.

So whether you are on a diet or planning to run a marathon or get a promotion at work, ask yourself every step of the way: "Are my actions right now leading me closer or further away from my goal?" And if the answer is anything other than CLOSER, you have to change the action.
You wouldn't feed a championship pure bred dog the junkiest dogfood or let it eat pizza scraps under the table.

Why would you do it to yourself? Physically or mentally?

You are the greatest champion that has ever been. Start treating yourself that way, from the inside out.