If I Were a Teenage Beauty Queen

Many of you by now have heard about the embarrassing and confused response from Miss Teen South Carolina Lauren Caitlin Upton when asked why polls show a fifth of Americans can't point out America on a map of the world. She spoke almost insanely about "U.S. Americans" and kids in Africa and "the Iraq".

I don't think I would make a particularly pretty teenage beauty queen, but here is how I would have responded, bright lights and all.

"Many people in this country are apathetic. They are more concerned with ball game scores than their children's test scores. They are more preoccupied with who married who on today's soap opera than what law was passed that affects them. One in four Americans didn't read a book in all of 2006. This is a problem. People are more concerned with who wins...gasp...a beauty pageant than with who wins an election. Sadly, a large number of people don't know who their elected officials are. This means they aren't familiar with the men and women who orchestrate legislation that could very well determine their fate and the fate of their children. They don't know who to blame or who to thank.

If the world map were instead a fast food menu and America a triple bacon cheeseburger, no one would be left unable to identify our place on the planet. So pay attention, people! Take off your hats, tuck in your shirts, and focus on the important things.

And please, hold the onions.

Thank you. God bless us, wherever we are on the map."