Aqui Se Habla Ingles!

For all you red blooded American Gringos who--shame on you--think English should be the official language of our nation, the title of my blog translates to "English is spoken here!" That should be the only spanish language billboards that immigrants see.

But I see them all the time along the sides of highways and in the cities around me. Beer ads. Cell phone ads. Home loan ads. Spanish, spanish, spanish.

It's bad enough to always have to press a number for your OWN language when you can a customer service line. But to have to see giant messages in a foreign language is more than an assault on our senses. It is an assault on our CULTURE, in my opinion.

Now we have a car dealer in South Florida who is airing Spanish language ads for his business. So what, you might ask. Well, this has been done a million times--on SPANISH LANGUAGE TELEVISION. The difference here is that the ads are running on ENGLISH LANGUAGE CHANNELS! That's right, on the major stations and networks.

I am a capitalist and perhaps this is just the logical direction businesses must take to chase the Almighty Dollar.

But it stinks in my book. People who do this should be ashamed of themselves. Not only is it mindless and shameless pandering, it is also an assault on our language and nation.

I only wish more people would see it that way. But the fact that we are seeing beer ads in Spanish while we are stuck in traffic, pizza chains are accepting PESOS for payment, and now car dealers are advertising in foreign languages on English language networks CLEARLY shows people aren't seeing it that way.

Press 1 if you need to re-read this blog in Spanish.

Nobody's "It" Anymore

Tag!! You're it!!

Remember those words from childhood? I was ALWAYS being tagged "It" in school.

And believe it or not, I wasn't ALWAYS the unathletic type you now see before you. I could give the kids a pretty good run for their money. I used to do the Ol' Hughes Sneak Attack where I would pretend I didn't know someone was behind me or next to me and then I would NAIL THEM.

And then THEY were "It".

My children luckily have grown to know the joys and frustrations and solid workouts provided by the game of Tag. But our unborn daughter may never even know what it is. To her it may very well end up being "that game that schools banned before I was born because it was too aggressive and competitive".

It's already happening. More and more schools are forbidding students from playing TAG.

The Discovery Canyon Campus school in Colorado Springs, Colorado has now joined the ranks of the political correct institutions that KNOW BETTER.

You see, some kids get harassed by being chased around the playground. Some against their will!

My son complained of kids chasing him in 1st grade last year and my solution was easy when he chose to implement it. DON'T RUN.

It's a diabolically simple solution, isn't it?

"Go ahead!" I would tell him. "Stand perfectly still and let me chase you!"

At first he thought I was NUTS. But lo and behold, it IS physically IMPOSSIBLE to be chased unless you are RUNNING AWAY from whomever is doing the chasing! How can someone chase you if you are just standing there or sitting down?

THEY CAN'T.

That is my technique for the students at that Colorado school and at others that are ruining it for all the other kids.

The saddest part in this case is that only a couple of people complained about the ban.

Oh! The school will still allow running games, as long as no one is being chased!!

What will be next? Not guarding someone in basketball because it's too much pressure to have someone in front of you waving their arms and trying to take something from you?

How about LAUGHING during school because a child will mistakenly think the laughter is directed at THEM (as they ALWAYS will)?

Baseball involves swinging a dangerous stick around. Dodgeball (also already largely banned at many schools) involves intentionally trying to smack someone with a large object.

Even MOTHER MAY I? is politically incorrect for all the children who have two Dads!

What is left for the kids to play?

I know, I know! How about a game of laying on the psychiatrist's couch!

Because therapy is exactly what a lot of these innocents will need if we keep stripping childhood away from them.

If I Were a Teenage Beauty Queen

Many of you by now have heard about the embarrassing and confused response from Miss Teen South Carolina Lauren Caitlin Upton when asked why polls show a fifth of Americans can't point out America on a map of the world. She spoke almost insanely about "U.S. Americans" and kids in Africa and "the Iraq".

I don't think I would make a particularly pretty teenage beauty queen, but here is how I would have responded, bright lights and all.

"Many people in this country are apathetic. They are more concerned with ball game scores than their children's test scores. They are more preoccupied with who married who on today's soap opera than what law was passed that affects them. One in four Americans didn't read a book in all of 2006. This is a problem. People are more concerned with who wins...gasp...a beauty pageant than with who wins an election. Sadly, a large number of people don't know who their elected officials are. This means they aren't familiar with the men and women who orchestrate legislation that could very well determine their fate and the fate of their children. They don't know who to blame or who to thank.

If the world map were instead a fast food menu and America a triple bacon cheeseburger, no one would be left unable to identify our place on the planet. So pay attention, people! Take off your hats, tuck in your shirts, and focus on the important things.

And please, hold the onions.

Thank you. God bless us, wherever we are on the map."

Where Have All The Manners Gone?

My mother raised me right.

She taught me to respect people, especially women, and to be as much of a knight as her short son could be.

She certainly taught me to stand up and give up my seat to the elderly, the handicapped, and the pregnant.

Are mothers still teaching their children this stuff?

The anecdotal evidence around me points to the answer being an obvious NOPE.

My Sweetie is 30 weeks pregnant. Although her belly is not as large as it was for the other children, there is no mistaking she is seriously pregnant.

Do you think a person, male OR female, might think it a good idea to give up their seat to her when she is CLEARLY looking for a place to sit?

NOPE.

Recently at Lego Land in Southern California, she looked endlessly for a place to sit. Benches were full of people. Plenty of young and able bodied people SHOULD have stood up and offered their seats. But did they?

Of course NOT.

How could someone look right at a women ready to pop with a child and not have the decency and the courtesy to at least OFFER their seat to her??

A Queens bus driver made the news this month when he smashed a passenger over the head for not standing up and giving one of the handicapped reserved seats up to an elderly woman who got on the bus.

This is not the answer and I do not condone the driver's actions.

But it also begs the question: was that passenger raised by WOLVES in the jungle? Did that guy's mother forget that all too important lesson about courtesy...and yes...gasp...CHIVALRY.

Chivalry IS dead. And so are common manners, apparently.

Too bad courtesy and common sense aren't as common on the benches of America as profanity laced conversation. If four letter words were the equivalent of courtesy, we'd be knee deep in nice people.

Somebody have a few expletives they'd like to get rid of in exchange for giving my Better Half a seat in the blazing heat?

My mother raised me right. And so did my father.

Maybe the best we can do is promise ourselves and our children we will make the best effort to pass on Mother's lessons to the next generation. That is, if it isn't too late already.

Left Behind

I can't believe I did it. Last night, I became...um...one of...THEM.

One of those people who leaves shopping carts everywhere except where they belong--in the cart corrals.

It was late. I had live crickets in the car for my son's frogs. It was still in the high 80s, temperature wise and the car might have been 90. Milk was getting warm. Frozen goods were melting. And so was my patience.

I had run into every idiot in the world yesterday and the evening and night weren't proving any better. I wanted OUT of that parking lot. The nearest corral was nowhere in sight. Crickets could die.

So what did I do? Did I take the shopping cart to its proper home? Nope.

I abandoned it on the sidewalk, two stores away from its rightful residence. It was awful. It looked at me as if it were saying "Thanks! This is the gratitude I get for hauling your stupid stuff all over the stinking store??"

It may have just been the sounds of my wheels squealing as I pulled out of the space. But it sounded an awfully lot like a shopping cart crying. I raised my eyes to the rear view mirror and saw it sitting there confused, as if a friend had just left it in the middle of the desert.

The thought of that little fellow sitting there till morning, cold and alone right where I had left it, broke my heart. What if it had rolled out into the middle of the parking lot? What if it ran away to another big box store's cart corral?

The fact that I had become ONE OF THEM made me downright ill. I have NEVER done that before. Even if I have all the kids with me, I always manage to find a way to return the shopping cart. I remember one time it was raining KNIVES and I still trekked across the parking lot to make sure I did my responsible customer duty.

If that shopping cart happens to be reading this somehow. I am sorry. Truly. But if you never want to carry my stuff around again, I will understand.

But you might find it satisfying to know that I will need therapy for the rest of my life for becoming the thoughtless, inconsiderate moron that I always gripe about.

If At First You Don't Succeed, Keep Failing!

Congressional Democrats have been thumping their downbeat drums about the war in Iraq for a long time now.

All we have heard from most of them are words like "defeat" and "unwinnable" and "failure". I don't remember hearing such intense negative thinking in my life as I have with this war. Even some Republicans have followed their lead down the path of a negative mental attitude.

Although some Democrats, including some who have had intensely negative opinions from the start, are now admitting that things ARE improving in Iraq. Good for them. They have put truth above partisanship. Too bad it's still a small number of them.

I just finished reading an article about how Congressional Democrat leaders are scrambling to paint the surge as an utter failure. This even at a time when many detractors of the war are swallowing their pride and admitting successes.

Believe it or not, Congressman James Clyburn (the House Whip) acknowledged recently that if the surge IS successful, it might be a "real problem for us". How telling. This is what I have been saying for a long time. Now a key Democrat finally admits it. Success in Iraq is bad for the Democrats.

The Democrats in Congress don't WANT the surge to be successful. They CAN'T have it be. It would mean the unthinkable...that they were wrong and Bush was right.

Never mind that it would ultimately mean GREAT news for our brave military members, the Iraqi military, and the Free World.

If it hurts the Democrats, well, we can't have that.

Even if it could ultimately lead to where we need to get--VICTORY.

The progress in Iraq might not be where any of us wanted it to be in an ideal world. But to downplay and frown at the successes we DO have is unconscionable. And yes, UNPATRIOTIC to say the least. Especially when the sole purpose seems to be to further one's own political agenda.

Let's win this thing. Sorry if that offended some of you.

Taking a Break from Chewing the Fat

I made a big move yesterday on my way into work. I shared it with the audience at the top of yesterday's show.

I am going to lose weight. There. It was said and now it is WRITTEN as well.

It occurred to me that I have been making bad dietary decisions lately. Too much junk food, mainly. A cheeseburger here, onion rings there. Thousands of extra and empty calories each and every week. I guess I just realized that the kids can burn off chicken nuggets better than I can. They make it look easy.

Diets can be scary and that is why they rarely work. I am not on a diet. I am merely being more conscious of what I put in my mouth.

Yesterday I determined to take things one day at a time. And I did it, right to the end. A Slim Fast for breakfast, a V-Juice for lunch, a nice healthy sandwich for dinner. Nothing deep fried or fatty. And I felt better because of it, physically and mentally.

And that is what people need to remember--tackling foods isn't just a physical battle. Much of the struggle is in your mind. How many of us give into that temptation of bailing off of freeway exits whenever we see our favorite fast food signs? A lot of us. Maybe most of us. How many of us eat just because we open the fridge and see something good? Ever stop yourself in the middle of eating and ask yourself WHY AM I EATING THIS? I'M NOT EVEN HUNGRY??

It won't be easy. I am determined to exercise more, too. Most of us just don't move as much as we could or should. I made an extra effort to NOT park right in front of the stores yesterday. I MADE myself walk 20 parking spaces instead of 20 feet. Take the stairs for once, even if it's just one-way. Walk around the block. Take family and friends with you. Make it fun and something to look forward to. These are simple things we all can do.

One of the most fascinating things to me about dieting is the thought that if given the choice between something healthy for us or bad for us, human nature tends to push us in the direction of temptation. But why? Because that burger is just DRIPPING with yumminess.

But how many of us would go down a dark alley instead of a well lit street? Or drink dirty water as opposed to clean water? How many of us go out of our way to do something that could bring us harm?

Then why do we not even THINK half the time when it comes to the fuel we put in our bodies? We as a society seem more concerned with what grade of fuel we put in our car than what grade of food we put into our bodies.

I have always been this way. But at least for a day, I attempted to change that.

And I will try again today. And tomorrow. The key is taking it one day at a time. Don't put too many pressures on yourself. No one is perfect. If you think you can't resist the french fries, try to at least resist the larger sizes. At the start, you could eat some of the same foods but just in smaller portions. Maybe next time you'll go for the apple slices instead.

Wish me luck. This will take more willpower than I have, I think. But once the pounds start coming off, that might be all I need to kiss those extra pounds goodbye for good.

Feel free to keep on top of me with this, OK? E-mail me your own tips and inspiring stories. I would love to hear them.

Somebody Stop Me!

I am mad that I wasn't detained and questioned at the airport. There, I said it. And it's true.

My family was in San Diego last week and I joined up with them for a couple of days on Friday. I even mentioned on the air how I suspected that I would be taken aside and questioned because of all of the "circumstances" involving my flight.

Think about it.

Man flying alone. Thirty-something. No luggage. One way ticket to a major American city. Even to MYSELF I sounded like a terrorist!

And yet the airport must not have agreed. No extra questioning (actually no questioning at all). No extra careful body searches. Not even a strange stare from the TSA. NOTHING. My flight was actually less eventful than it NORMALLY be if I were flying with all the kids.

Does that make any sense?? Why did I still see grandmothers going through the extra metal detector wand searches and family types being questioned like it was the Soviet Union? And there was little old me, waltzing through like there was NOTHING suspicious about me!

My incident earlier this year at JFK was already a bit alarming to me. A supervisor talked his employee into letting me on board with a full cologne bottle. Even though this was just after all the talk about liquids on planes being taboo. Even though they NEVER even asked me to squirt some of the alleged OBSESSION NIGHT onto my neck or wrists. How did THEY know what was or wasn't in the bottle?? They had NO CLUE, and yet they still let me board a fully packed airplane.

Maybe I am one of those lone and strange Americans that actually WANTS the government to check us out more. A normal person would be APPLAUDING the fact that I got through security so quickly and non-eventfully.

This is AMERICA, after all, for goodness sakes!!

But I disagree. I would have felt a whole lot better if somebody had stopped me.

By the way, they didn't make me turn on ANY of my electronic devices, nor did they check them out. How did they KNOW my iPod was an iPod and not a detonator or device of some kind? I can't remember the last time they made me turn my laptop on and off, either.

What is going on here??

Plus they let me on board with a pretty good sized plastic knife and fork from the food court. Of course, I had already gone through the security checkpoints so there was no way they could have known.

But I admit as I pulled out my shiny, black, disposable knife to cut my egg roll, it all seemed too easy. Way too easy, indeed.

The Dread Of The Dying Cell Phone

I did it again. I forgot to charge my cell phone last night.

DARN IT! I hate when that happens.

It has only one notch of battery life. That won't go very far, will it? A few dozen text messages. Maybe a few phone calls.

It's my own fault for not remembering to charge it. Plus I refused to buy yet ANOTHER car charger, so I get greedy and usually can make it a least a couple of days on a full charge. So when I REMEMBER to charge the darned thing overnight, there is no need for the car charger really. Plus I have a power inverter if I really needed to charge it.

I hate how every cell phone (even from the same maker) has to have its OWN proprietary plugs. Just another gimmick to get you to buy a thousand different chargers. Then you end up with a mothball fleet of chargers from phones you don't even own anymore.

So here I am...staring at my cell phone, wondering when that one notch of battery life will turn to ZERO. A blank little rectangle of death. And then it starts to blink. I hate when that happens. My new phone drives me crazy because it dies within moments of blinking and beeping. At least my old phone gave me a good hour of use from the time it started warning me.

Isn't it funny when you think about it? The stress that I and others feel when they know they have a cell phone that will turn itself off in a matter of time? It is a feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. Kind of like driving through the desert and seeing your low fuel light come on. And do you ever wonder why there is ALWAYS enough battery life for the phone to beep and vibrate ENDLESSLY to TELL you the battery life is low?? Doesn't all that shaking and noise making only DRAIN the battery MORE?? What the HECK??

At least I won't be facing dehydration or starvation in the wilderness if my cell phone dies today. Worst case scenario is I will have to make do the way we all did for YEARS before cell phones. I will have to just use a land line...or God forbid...a PAY PHONE. Remember those?

One thing is for sure. My cell phone has a date tonight with an electrical cord. The dread of the dying cell phone is too much for my heart to bear.

Besides, there are few more reassuring cell phone moments than seeing the nice big letters on the screen that say "Charge Complete".

Ah yes. As always, it's the little things in life that can bring such satisfaction.

Please Cut The Cheese

It's that time again for your FAST FOOD LAWSUIT OF THE DAY!

Somewhere Ronald McDonald is weeping and smearing his makeup.

A 20-something customer, Jeremy Jackson, went through a McDonald's drive-thru and ordered two Quarter Pounders. He specifically told them to HOLD THE CHEESE because he is allergic.

He supposedly told the workers several times of his allergy. But...drum roll please...the burgers were served with cheese despite his requests.

He then drove to see a movie with friends and bit into his burger in a darkened room. The allergic reaction was allegedly immediate and his friend and mother rushed him to the hospital. Jackson was just "moments from death" according to the lawsuit.

He, his mother, and his friend are now suing for $10 MILLION.

I am torn on this story because I know the frustration of being handed a botched order from a fast food eatery. We once were handed a TACO MEAL instead of CHOCOLATE MILK. Sure, this wasn't a life or death mistake. But still. Mistakes like this probably happen thousands of times a day. Most just test our patience, not our health.

But I do know if I were allergic to something that could cause me such a deadly reaction, I would NOT bite into something in the DARK that could potentially contain that food. That is why food manufacturers now tell you if their product was even PREPARED in the SAME ROOM with peanuts, for example. That way you can take your own chance and they have covered themselves from liability.

It doesn't make ANY sense why this man bit into the burger without checking first. The only reasonable explanation is that he was far more trusting than I would be in the same situation.

Although some people, no doubt, LOOK for ways to make a quick and lazy million dollars. I wouldn't put anything past a society that would plant a real, severed human thumb in a bowl of chili and then turn around and accuse and sue the establishment of doing it themselves.

The moral of this story? Be more responsible for your own safety and well being. You don't have much control over whether the plane you fly on stays in the air or not, but you do have control over other things.

Watch your mouth. And all the foods you put into it. It just makes sense. Your life could depend on it.

And now if you'll excuse me. They just put extra sour cream in my tacos. I HATE when they do that.

Reason #5,938 Why I don’t Like Camping

I am not a happy camper. Actually, I am not a camper at all.

Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE the Great Outdoors and all. I just like coming back to a nice hotel room after all the bird watching and hiking. I’ll even settle for a rustic cabin with earwigs under the bed.

Ever heard the jokes about how camping makes no sense? You work hard all year so you can take your vacation and then spend it like a homeless person…pitching a tent and braving the elements.

No, thanks.

What do I need to prove by pitching a tent and sleeping among the Grizzlies and the serial killers? You can’t put a dead bolt on a tent, can you? I didn’t think so.

And now I have reason #5,938 why I don’t like camping.

It’s a sad and a true story.

A 56-year-old woman was camping in Illinois Beach State Park with some friends when a TREE fell onto their tent and killed her. What on earth? This poor woman was out having fun, trying to enjoy nature and ended up dying instead.

This is a very tragic story. It makes me sad, actually.

But I must use it as yet another reason why I can’t get myself to go camping. Yes, it’s true. The roof of the cabin could collapse. Or a tree could fall through a window and kill me as well.

It may be an irrational fear I have, but it’s one that I won’t be shaking anytime soon.

Step Out of the Vehicle…And Please Bring Your Child With You!

I have locked my keys in my car more times than I would care to admit. And I have done the obligatory running back to the car for the bag of groceries that didn’t make it into the kitchen.

But I can’t imagine ever leaving a child in a car!

There are various categories of such incidents. There are the parents who claim they got wrapped up in their thoughts and the business of their hectic day and simply FORGOT to take junior to school. Sometimes they realize their “mistake” before it’s too late. Oftentimes, the firefighters and coroner beat them to it.

Then there are the parents who KNOWINGLY leave their children in the car alone. Some do it for questionable reasons like frequenting gambling halls and strip joints. This is what I call the “I couldn’t take my child with me” excuse. Want to play poker or watch a sex show? Fine. Just don’t use the car as your babysitter.

There are also parents who routinely leave their children in the car so they can run into the hardware store or mail a letter. I call these the “Junior was sleeping and I didn’t want to disturb him” parents. Actually, they aren’t thinking of the child’s need for a nap. They are really worried about the inconvenience a ticked off, groggy child will pose to them as theysearch for 2-inch dry wall screws. It’s “easier” to just run in and get the stuff and run right back.

That is the category a woman from Orlando, Florida found herself in when she left her 2-month-old son in a car with the engine running. What was so urgent that she would jeopardize his safety like that? She left her umbrella at church and needed to run in to get it.

Parents like this justify their actions by saying things like “It will only take a second! He will only be out of my sight for a brief moment!”

And that is all it took for carjackers to drive off with her car, baby and all.

I remember being on the radio in Phoenix and talking about a similar story. Luckily the outcomes of both stories ended happily—the children were found safely because the carjackers had enough humanity to know they didn’t want to harm an innocent child.

So the woman’s car was found, doors flung open, and her infant was thankfully safe. But what if her baby HAD been kidnapped?? Assaulted or killed? That mother could have lost her precious child FOREVER. All for what? An umbrella?

Florida is one of many states that have started to hammer down on parents who do this to their children. It is now a second-degree misdemeanor for a child under six to be left unattended in a car for more than 15 minutes (or for even a brief moment if the car is RUNNING).

So this careless mother could face 60 days in jail and a $500 fine. Maybe laws like this will start waking some of these aloof parents up!

Too bad the law isn’t stricter than that. Why does it have to be longer than 15 minutes? And does the law mean that somehow it’s ok for a 7-year-old to be left alone?

There have been plenty of times when I had to take my children into a store when they didn’t really want to or when I really didn’t want to.

But if I can take 5 kids into the hardware store and find those 2-inch dry wall screws, anyone can.

Next time you see someone leaving a child in car to run an errand, ask them (if you feel like getting involved) if they would leave a hundred dollars worth of CDs on the dashboard. Chances are they wouldn’t.

That’s all the point you need to make.