Please Don't Shoot The Piano Man

Remember the days when restaurants had pianists in tuxedos playing the songs of the ages? I do, and I am a Generation X-er. One of my favorite such places when I was a kid has long since been bulldozed and replaced with a cookie-cutter strip mall.

And now some Nordstrom stores are doing the same. More and more stores are...gasp...replacing their decked out pianists for piped in popular music. What a shame. It reminds me of the days when musicians actually played instruments.

Although it is not a corporate directive, the belief is that many customers think the piano is outdated.

WHAT NONSENSE. Is that why the music of Beethoven has lived on for hundreds of years?

And you know what? I wouldn't cater to any customer that believed that. Maybe store clerks should be rude and obnoxious since many Americans obviously think manners are outdated, too.

American culture has lost its sense of elegance and class. Would your grandfather have been caught DEAD eating at a restaurant with his mouth open, baseball hat on backwards, and his elbows on the table?

I know I sound much older than I am as I lament the demise of pianists at Nordstrom. But something is lost here. And I don't think anything has been gained.

If I wanted to listen to top 40 tunes I would turn on a 10 watt radio station. They are a dime a dozen.

I want to dedicate this blog entry to the memory of Mario Ferrari. He played the piano in classy Sacramento restaurants for several decades. I remember endorsing a restaurant where he used to play, tuxedo and all. He always wanted to please the customers. I fondly recall how he would follow each request with "Oh, yes, that's a nice one!" There was never a tune he didn't know how to play.

Except for maybe something by the Spice Girls or Justin Timberlake.

At least we have the mall stores for that tripe.

Stand Up & Slim Down?

Don't just sit there, do something!

It might not even be necessary to do ANYTHING. Just STANDING there and looking pretty may be enough when it comes to losing weight.

HUH??

Researchers are finding that a huge problem in America today is that too many people...gasp...sit down too much. What a shock!! A nation of drive-thru EVERYTHINGS is a sedentary nation?

But the research isn't just pointing out the fact that sitting around means we aren't doing more physical activities.

The enzymes in our bodies that help us burn fat can actually go dormant when we sit down for prolonged periods of time.

That might explain why I feel fatter when I do the show sitting down! Lately I have been forgoing the stool and pontificating while standing up. No chair. No net. Nothing.

Maybe the pounds will start melting off of me!

Don't get too excited. Standing around doing nothing isn't going to give you the body you necessarily want. But one thing is for sure, it doesn't help your weight loss plans to sit around too much. The researchers recommend "puttering" more. It'll probably drive everyone around you crazy, but what the heck.

So stand up, go get yourself a piece of pie, and quit sitting around so much!

Snooze Or You'll Lose

One of the most maddening facts of life is that we rarely take advantage of opportunities even when they are shoved right into our face.

It's kind of like the movie cliche of the guy who has his sights on the bad (or good) guy and doesn't pull the trigger when they have the chance. It's one of the most cliched scenes in cinema. That's the best way for the serial killer in the woods to keep coming back for more sequels. You don't nail him in the head with a shovel when you have the chance. Oh well.

How about rarely sleeping in when you have the golden opportunity to rest? Anyone with kids knows that it's easier to wake the dead than to get a child up for school on most days. And yet they always seem to be up at the crack of dawn on weekends and vacations when they COULD be sleeping.

I think we are all guilty of this. Most of us shrug it off and figure we will just "catch up" on sleep at some "later" point, like the weekend.

But new research is finding that for some people, it may be too late to catch up on precious sleep.

Those with chronic sleep deprivation may, in fact, damage their ability to do this. Research out of Northwestern University looked at rats and found that those that were chronically sleep deprived didn't catch up on sleep even when given the chance to sleep more hours.

So whether it's the baby keeping you awake or the workload you keep bringing home night after night, try to get as much sleep as possible.

I need to do the same. But...yawn...it's just so hard.

I am just fine with 5 hours a night tops. Really. Do I look like I'm not OK?

Don't answer that.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

One Stop Shopping For The Soul

It's sad to me that "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium" didn't make the top 10 at the box office this holiday weekend.

What a shame because it's the sweetest and most special movie of the season...maybe even of the year. Maybe of the last few years.

It really is that good. It opened on the 16th of November and I have already seen it twice. And I plan on seeing it again before it leaves theaters. This is the movie I will insist getting in the most deluxe version I can when it finally hits DVD.

Dustin Hoffman gives us his most heartfelt performance since "Rain Man" as Mr. Magorium, the eccentric but lovable 243-year-old owner of the Wonder Emporium. This is the most unique toy store in the world because it runs on the magic of optimism, imagination, and faith.

Natalie Portman plays Molly, the insecure manager of the store who finds out that she is set to inherit the store from Magorium who is convinced it is his time to "leave" this world. But she second guesses herself and wonders if she has the magical touch needed to keep the tradition alive.

Zach Mills steals our hearts as the 9-year-old who just can't spend enough time down at the store. He is the kid who is a little different than the other kids because he has an unyielding hope for the world and humanity despite all the odds that the real world promptly delivers us. When told that it's impossible to jump up and get his cowboy hat that has blown up and gotten hooked about 7 feet off the ground, he promptly says "maybe I just need a running start"!

Think of how much we could all accomplish if we had the optimism of a child! Kids feel they can do these things because no one in the adult world had "gotten to them" and told them that something is impossible to do!

Even though I have never really been a fan of Jason Bateman, he does a nice job as the account--or "mutant" as everyone quickly calls him--who Magorium hires to get his paperwork in order before his departure. Unfortunately, the task is daunting because the store owner hasn't kept a close watch on his profits and losses over the last several centuries. It's fun to watch Bateman's character progression through the course of the movie.

This movie will pump a lump in your throat and make your soul sing all at the same time. It's the best movie on carpe diem (remember "seize the day" from "Dead Poet's Society") that I have seen in a long time.

There are so many sweet and poignant moments, including the one where Magorium tells Molly that her life is an occasion and that she should rise to it. Simple words that pack a big punch. How many of us make our life an occasion? Let alone RISE to it? Most of us sadly chose to merely exist instead of to LIVE.

I don't think any other actor working today could have pulled off the role of Magorium the way Dustin Hoffman does. There is a wonderful scene in which Molly lays out some bubble wrap at a local park to have Magorium do a little dance to celebrate his long and happy life. I saw that scene through the eyes of a child. What innocence! Remember when all we needed to be happy was a pile of discarded boxes and wrapping paper? Megorium dances to the song of his soul and it makes us all want to dance with him.

But unfortunately, most of us are as tightly wound as Bateman's straight faced accountant. Most of us are too self conscious to dance on a floor of bubble wrap in our own living rooms let alone in a crowded park. But wouldn't it be nice?

I think a lot of people are shying away from this movie because the previews might portray it as a just another "Charlie & The Chocolate Factory" knock off. But it isn't. Far from it.

Willy Wonka was a narcissistic nutjob who loathed the children who made his candied treats a success.

Mr. Magorium is the man whose very existence was predicated on making other people happy. We should all be so lucky to know a person like that in real life.

The movie's tagline is "You will see it when you believe it"--so true. And perhaps one of the reasons why many critics have been lukewarm at best about it. You have to have imagination and hope for this movie to make its biggest impact on you. It doesn't have car chases or explosions or murder, mayhem, and naked people frolicking around.

I'm not expecting you to resist the sex appeal of Patrick Dempsey or the bloodshed of "Beowulf" at the movies.

Having said that, I am daring you to take a chance on a movie that will most certainly put a little extra bounce in your step and song in your spirit. "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium" isn't so much a movie for kids as it is a movie for the kid in all of us.

The kid who is dying to burst out and dance on a pad of bubble wrap.

The Turkey Doesn't Care When You Eat It

I can't believe the level of anxiety surrounding the next several days. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, which has sadly become a day filled with stress, congested freeways, delayed flights, and sold-out cranberries and stuffing.

If only everyone didn't celebrate it on the same day!

HEY!! What a GREAT idea!

My family actually celebrated Thanksgiving this past Saturday. We had all the kids together. My parents were able to attend. It was very nice.

And relatively stress free.

After all, I wasn't competing with a zillion people for our 22 pound bird. The aisles were overflowing with cans of pumpkin and evaporated milk. For the first time in a long time--maybe EVER--I did not have to go to backup stores for sold out menu ingredients.

The parking lot was empty. The streets and highways were empty as well.

We celebrated early because we had all the family together on Saturday and we knew we wouldn't on Thanksgiving itself.

But why don't families do this ANYWAY?? Does Thanksgiving really HAVE to be on fourth Thursday of November?

Imagine if all those people at the airport spread their flights out over a week or so!

It's probably too late for you this year, but it's something to consider for 2008. Having your feast and giving your thanks within a week of the "official" Thanksgiving isn't going to kill anyone.

I am sure the relatives will swoon over your grandmother's dressing no matter when they enjoy it.

And remember this--the turkey doesn't care when you eat it.

So I will think of all of you tomorrow and how most of you will be stressing to get to the in-laws on time or whether or not the store has another bag of potatoes or how anyone will make it when a tanker truck overturned on the highway.

Have a wonderful and happy Thanksgiving this year, whenever you have it. And don't forget to remember and be thankful for all those things we all tend to take for granted. God, family, friends, country, health, and World of Warcraft.

And now if you'll excuse me, I have some left over dressing that has my name on it.

A Turkey of a Pardon

I was really upset with President Bush when he was so forgiving of Scooter Libby. I thought that was a big mistake.

But there is some other coddling going on that I disapprove of as well--the Presidential pardon for the National Thanksgiving turkey!

Why did President Bush pardon the turkey today? Because he always has. And so have all the other presidents dating back to the tradition's origins during the Truman administration. He actually saved the necks of TWO turkeys.

Sure, it's sweet and syrupy and exactly why I DON'T LIKE IT!

These are tough times! We are fighting a diabolical enemy for Pete's sake! Our kids are too thin skinned! We need to toughen up as a nation!

So the turkey HAS to go. Sorry. It's Thanksgiving. That's what we do. We EAT turkeys. We don't forgive them!

We celebrated our Thanksgiving this past weekend and I thank God that no one pardoned our succulent 22 pound bird.

Admit it. You want a President who will buck tradition, get up there and tell the turkey it has seen its last days.

Ok, ok, so maybe a few children will cry and vegetarians will be outraged. But still. It's an idea that really should be gobbled up by our future presidents.

The turkeys names, if you care about things like that, are May and Flower. Get it?? MAYFLOWER??

I liked the Vice President's names better--lunch and dinner.

And now if you'll excuse me, I have a leftover turkey leg just screaming to be put between a couple of slices of bread.

Gobble, gobble!

Boiled Alive

Prawns feel pain. Lobster feel pain.

That's what a new study concludes.

So now you are once again supposed to feel guilt for enjoying that boiled Maine lobster. Guess we are supposed to feel their pain, maybe?

Sorry, but I am not going to stop eating crustaceans because some professor found that prawns that had acetic acid daubed on their antenna tried to wipe it off.

Wouldn't YOU wipe something off that spilled on you? Why does this have to mean they felt PAIN?

And what if they DID?

Life is full of pain. For all of us. Just to varying degrees.

The animal rights nuts are trying to convince us that the pain you would feel severing your limbs is somehow the same pain that a lobster feels when boiled alive. Or that hooking a fish is the same as hooking your grandfather.

There's a big difference that they fail to see--YOU are a HUMAN BEING. The LOBSTER is SEAFOOD.

Until lobsters evolve to the point where they can toss US into a pot of boiling water, life is what it is.

Red Lobster tonight, anyone? Give me the biggest one in the tank, thank you.

"Ho, Ho, Ho" No Mo?

Every year there comes a new salvo in the war on Christmas. At least this one is in another country. Well, it DOES have ties with America since the company in question has offices here.

Talk about politically correct nonsense. Austalian Santas are being told by recruitment firm Westaff to change their "Ho, ho, ho" to "Ha, ha, ha".

HUH??

Why on earth would they do this? What is so offensive about the classic Santa greeting?

It could scare children. And it might be offensive to women.

Scare children? Since when does "Ho, ho, ho" scare children? Clowns used to scare me as child. And maybe Santa's beard when I was really young. But never his cute little sayings.

Offensive to women? You see...you can't say "Ho, ho, ho" and not expect women's organizations to get cross with you.

This is, of course, utter rubish. Another excuse to attack Christmas.

The Santas are being told to say "Ha, ha, ha" instead.

But won't that make kids think Santa is laughing at them? Ridiculing the toys on their lists?

See? There's always a Bogeyman if you look hard enough.

Has Marriage Gone To The Dogs?

Just when you thought marriage was really in trouble in America, in some parts of the world it has literally gone to the dogs.

Call it karma if you like. But Selva Kumar's past had haunted him long enough. He committed unspeakable acts against two innocent mating dogs. So to atone for his sins, he decided there was really only one thing to do.

Marry a dog.

No. It's not a joke. Cut the laugh tracks. He really married a dog.

And in India, it's perfectly OK I guess.

So Kumar married a 10-year-old pooch named Selvi.

Maybe I am not the most culturally tolerant person around, but this story has my name written all over it.

"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I Scooby Doooooooooooooooooo!"

Imagine if this family had a Thanksgiving dinner next week. Wouldn't you love to be a fly on the wall at THAT party?

"Could you pass the Snausages, please?"

"Please don't scratch at the table."

"I hear your family has fleas."

"Are you spayed? You can always adopt at the shelter! How many litters do you plan to have? It's never too early to save for college! "

"Selvi, you are roughly 53-years-old in human years and Kumar, you are roughly a year old in dog years. How do you possibly think this can work?"

"Please don't sniff the guests, it isn't polite."

"Woof! Woof!"

"Will you be registering at Pet Smart?"

"HONEYMOON?? You're barking up the wrong tree!"

Hey, I wish them the best. A recent study claims we will be marrying robots in the not too distant future. So why not a dog?

After all, you're supposed to marry your best friend, right?

Veterans Day 2007

Today is Veterans Day in case you forgot and are feverishly shaking the doors of your bank wondering why the heck they aren't open.

That's why you won't get any mail today. And it's why the kids are home from school, although they probably don't know that unless you take the time to explain it to them.

It's just another day off for millions of children and adults. An excuse to stay another night in the mountains or to have a final BBQ for the season. We are a nation of 3-day weekends worshippers.

Such a shame, isn't it? Even though our nation is currently at war fighting an unspeakable evil, it seems that there is still a huge mental disconnect with so many of us here at home.

Kids were told on Friday that they had the day off today, but did teachers really spend more than 10 seconds to explain why? Did they even spend THAT much time?

The sad fact is that today is a day of leisure and fun and little is spent contemplating the reason most government offices are closed today.

Some districts are debating whether or not kids SHOULD be in school today, in order to learn the lessons of Veterans Day. That would be a nice idea, if the curriculum actually addressed Veterans Day and its importance. But it would be of little use to make kids go to school if it were just another day of math and science and spelling.

As we lose more more veterans every day, including thousands a week from the World War II era, it is up to all of us to make sure the significance of this day is never lost. Talk about it today with family and friends.

You can have your extra day in the mountains and that farewell BBQ. No one is trying to take those things from you.

Just please don't ever forget that it was the spilled blood of veterans that gave you the freedom to do so.

Whining & Dining: Perception Is Reality

I enjoy a nice glass of wine once in a while. Although I am the first to admit I am no expert. Not by a long shot. I still can't tell you which wines go best with lamb or which you should avoid with seafood.

Nope. I'm not into that. I just enjoy the taste of wine every now and again.

A wine snob, I am not.

But many people are. We all have seen them. Some of us know them. Some might even live with one.

If my life depended on it, I couldn't tell you the difference between a cranberry aftertaste and a nuclear aftermath. Tannins, shmannins. It either tastes good to me or it doesn't.

But it looks like many of these so called experts might be full of more than just wine and cheese. Some of them flat out don't know what they are talking about.

A few years back a researcher from the University of Bordeaux conducted a couple of experiments that concluded many wine experts are just overrated egomaniacs.

The first experiment gave them the EXACT SAME white wine, but one of the samples was colored red with dye. NOTHING ELSE changed.

The critics were ALL fooled and described the white wine as if they had just sipped the smoothest red they had ever tasted.

WRONG!! It's WHITE WINE, you phonies!!

Experiment #2 involved putting a cheap wine on an expensive label and the expensive wine on a cheap label. The verdict? The cheapo wine was the best ever! Four stars! And the expensive wine? It was described as "weak, flat, and faulty" by the "experts".

Perception really is reality. I have played such mind games with my own children. I will swap out a generic cereal or pop tart for their favorite name brand kinds and they never can taste the difference. Kind of a different result than the above experiment.

But it reminds me of the recent study that found that kids like even vegetables if they come in a McDonald's wrapper.

Perception really is reality. That's why I am glad my listeners always picture me as tall, dark, and handsome. Even though in reality I am a dry red with a slight hint of blackberry.

Or is that raspberry? I can't tell the difference sometimes.

So just quite the whining and let's make a toast to a nice glass of wine. Regardless of whether or not it goes with the lamb.

K-9 Karnacks?

One of my favorite Johnny Carson characters was Karnack the Magnificent. Remember how he would read the answers and then guess the questions? Classic stuff.

New research suggests that our doggies might be K-9 Karnacks in their own right.

A Canterbury University psychology student has just finished a Masters research project that concludes dogs may have the ability to read our minds.

OH COME ON NOW.

I can't get my dog to sit down, not jump, or lay down. And I'm supposed to believe she can read my MIND??

If this is true, why doesn't she run away every time I contemplate the location of her bark collar? Why does she jump into the car when she KNOWS I am taking her to the vet to get a SHOT??

I am not denying the intelligence of dogs. Just the intelligence of MY dog.

But seriously. Isn't this just ANOTHER attempt to humanize our animals? The raw, ugly truth is that our dogs are still animals, no matter how fancy that sweater is that we just knitted for her.

I'm going to play mind games with my dog now.

Hey wait...where did she go??

Welcome To The World, Baby Girl

Thanks in advance if you missed me last week. Our baby girl was born on Tuesday and what a joy she is.

I know that all parents say it about their children, but she really is a beautiful little girl. A chip off the old block. She has my thin, fuzzy hair and everything.

Even though--between us--this is our sixth child, you never lose that sense of amazement and wonder and joy and staring at a little, tiny human that you helped bring into the world.

You watch them for every waking moment that you can. And then if you run out of waking moments, you watch them every semi-sleeping moment you have left over.

It makes you feel like pushing on a little harder each day. Here is a child that depends on you for EVERYTHING. What a WONDERFUL RESPONSIBILITY! What an incredible sense of love and duty!

I was afraid that I had forgotten everything from changing diapers to patting down the best burps after a feeding. But you never forget any of it. It all comes back to you.

And her bountiful siblings are in absolute love with her. It is so rewarding and reassuring to see 5 older siblings taking such good care of her and paying her so much attention. They are fawning over their baby sister and relishing every moment of it.

Family is a wonderful thing, isn't it? Sure they can drive you absolutely out of your mind sometimes, but in the end most of us wouldn't trade them for the world. Whether you have only a few good relatives, near or far, or have your very own Brady Bunch like I do...adore them. Treasure them. Learn from them. Teach them.

Man, I'm starting to sound like a Crosby, Stills, & Nash song. Am I getting that old?

So welcome to the world, Baby Girl. It may not be in the best of shape, but Mommy and I will make sure we do all we can to make it as beautiful for you as you have for us.

I love you.