Tragedy At The Zoo

Some of my fondest childhood memories are of my parents taking me to frequent adventures to the San Francisco Zoo.

A lot has changed since those days of a bright eyed little boy with a Zoo Key in one hand and pink popcorn in the other. Exhibits have come and gone, and so have some of the animals. Elephants are a thing of the past at the San Francisco Zoo, thanks to animal rights fanatics.

And the tigers might be next after the horrifying maulings that took place on Christmas that left a teenager dead and his friends seriously wounded.

As a father who grew up going to the zoo and who now takes his own children several times a year with a yearly pass, the image of a tiger on the loose is as terrifying as they come. It was sad enough when a trainer was mauled in front of patrons (by the same tiger that was shot and killed in this latest incident) at the daily feeding in the Lion House. That kind of a scene could surely result in years of therapy, especially for the youngest of the witnesses. But a tiger on the LOOSE?? It's what horror movies are made of.

But how did this happen? The blame has gone from fingers pointed at the zoo, to the victims, and now back to the zoo again. The tiger was taunted. The fence was too low. The tiger acted in self defense. The zoo was negligent.

Now we are told that the sole fatality was trying to save his friends when he himself was mauled to death. The other two young men took off to a nearby cafe, only to be chased down by the big cat. Thanks to the efforts of the San Francisco Police Department, the two were saved before the tiger had a chance to kill them, too. It was a close call, indeed.

But I have some nagging questions. According to the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the walls surrounding the tiger exhibit were four feet shorter than what is required.

So how come such a horrible tragedy hadn't struck the zoo in the wall's almost 70 year existence?? Why now would a tiger all of a sudden be able to leap that far and escape? It makes NO logical sense.

And why all of a sudden does it seem that authorities are downplaying reports of a shoe and blood being found IN the base of the moat within the habitat? Alongside pine cones and rocks that COULD NOT have gotten there naturally? Those are indications that the tiger was harassed. But we aren't hearing about that anymore. Maybe because it becomes less of a "sexy" news story if it's less of an "animals gone crazy" and more of "what do you expect when you tick a tiger off" story. Maybe some questions will never be answered.

I will still take my children to the San Francisco Zoo despite this bloody rampage. I will do it in the same way that I drive my children to school despite the fact that countless people die on roadways every single day.

But mark my words...despite their silence so far, PETA and other animal rights groups will use this as an excuse to pressure zoos into closing such exhibits. It would be a shame if this happened because captive animals generally live longer and healthier lives than they would in the wild.

And it's one of the few places a family can go to see some of nature's most awesome creatures.

Here's a conspiracy theory no one has posed yet and another thing to place the blame on--maybe it has never happened before because today's tigers are on steroids like many professional athletes.

Was Tatiana the 350 pound Siberian tiger named in the Mitchell report? Hey, it's not any crazier than all of the other theories and questions.

We've All Gone Fruit Loops!

I hate the loop. The one at school, I mean. You know? Where kids get dropped off and picked up by caffeine deprived (or poisoned, depending on the day) parents who somehow acquired selective amnesia about driving the moment they pulled into the parking lot?

Whew. It was exhausting just WRITING that last sentence. It's even more mentally fatiguing LIVING it everyday.

What is WRONG with people? Why do they turn into imbeciles like that? Especially since it is a ritual they perform EVERY DAY. It's not like it gets harder with time! It's the SAME THING over and over and over again. Drive up to the FRONT of the line...drop off or pick up your kids as quickly as possible...then drive off again, letting the people behind you (yes, there are OTHER people out there, too) do the same thing. If we were only so lucky to be able to practice something this many times each year, like a sport or a hobby!

But it's not just in the school parking lot or loop that parents have lost their minds and gone completely crazy.

Wait till you see what happens IN the school!

We went to a school Christmas pageant (excuse me...HOLIDAY musical) the other day for our boys. We watched as our 8-year-old sang his heart out on the big stage. And lo and behold, a six foot tall dad walked in front of us as we sat on the gym floor and loomed overhead like the son of Kong. He did everything but rip tiny people out of upper stories and eat them.

What was he THINKING???? Answer: he WASN'T!

Fast forward to this past Tuesday night. The city of High Point, North Carolina hit a LOW point when a verbal argument among parents turned into a physical altercation. You can see the video on the Internet.

It's absolutely SHAMELESS. You can see the look of shock on the faces of the grade school kids who were there just to have a good time.

Instead, their evening was ruined by sophomoric so-called ADULTS losing control. That's a case where the children could have taken the parents outside for a time out. Honestly.

We are losing our civility in this country and it is undeniable. You see it everywhere. Blame whoever or whatever you like for it, but it's happening. And it's so sad to see.

And now if you'll excuse me, there are drivers to be cut off and children to be embarrassed.

Got a PROBLEM with that?!?!

Got Christmas Cards?

It looks like we finished 99% of our Christmas cards and they are heading to the nearest mailbox sometime today.

I am HORRIBLE at writing Christmas cards. Thank goodness my Better Half is so good about getting them done and mailed every year.

Christmas cards seem destined to be a dying tradition. Does anyone really care about them anymore? It's sad, isn't it?

I remember as a kid how Christmas cards would cover our mantle and then the spill-over were taped alongside the fireplace. So many cards. Did we really know THAT many people?

And they were all different, in a way representing the personalities of the people who sent them. There were the Frosty the Snowman cards, the Christian cards, the Happy Holidays cards. But they were all vibrant and crisp and I loved rushing to the mailbox to see who had sent one that day.

This year we sent off a simple greeting on a glossy picture stock with all the kids smiling to friends and family.

I hope Christmas cards don't go the way of the soda fountain. They symbolize a day before
e-mail and Blackberries, when people used to have to sit down, take out a pen, write down a message, write down an address, lick the envelope AND the stamp, and send it off.

When was the last time you received an actual LETTER from someone? An actual personalized greeting?

In an age of spam and junk mail, it would be nice to open up that mailbox and find something just for you, wouldn't it? But for most of us, if we threw out all the junk mail, the bills, and the sales pitches, there would be literally nothing else for us to bring into the house.

So send those Christmas cards out and keep the tradition alive. And if you never have, what better time than now to start?

Christmas Songs Worthy Of Coal

Not all Christmas songs are equal. That's very important to remember.

Edison Media Research and Pinnacle Media Worldwide found that people still prefer the classics when it comes to their favorite yuletide tunes.

Each survey found "White Christmas" by Bing Crosby, "The Christmas Song" by Nat King Cole, and "A Holly, Jolly Christmas" by Burl Ives at the top of the list of favorites.

There's nothing like a nice Christmas song on a cold night by the fire. Throw in a hot rum and your sweetheart and what could be better?

Nothing to ruin such a magical moment.

Except for one thing...

The AWFUL Christmas songs.

These surveys reassured me that I am not the only Grinch when it comes to some of the overplayed and annoying variations of songs.

People tend to dislike "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" by Elmo & Patsy and "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town" by Bruce Springsteen.

The top most hated Christmas song? "Jingle Bells" by those annoying Singing Dogs.

As for MY most hated Christmas song?

"Feliz Navidad" by Jose Feliciano!!

It's endlessly annoying AND bilingual! What a great combination! Let's make Spencer cringe in TWO languages!

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to finish my eggnog before my Sinatra Christmas CD ends.

Is This What Little Girls Are Made Out Of?

Have you ever tried to buy clothes for a little girl? It’s hard to find anything that is halfway decent. Everything is slinky, frilly, or flirty. Sometimes all of the above.

What on earth is our society thinking? What are WE thinking? After all, WE collectively are to blame because SOMEBODY is buying this stuff. Either parents are buying it or the girls are buying it for themselves. I am not sure sometimes which is more reprehensible.

Wal-Mart stores pulled some pink panties marketed to young girls which read on the front “Who needs credit cards…” and on the backside “When you have Santa”.

In other words, every girl needs a Sugar Daddy…even young girls who may not even have reached puberty yet.

Why did they pull them? Because some parents are finally stepping up to the plate and saying ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

This is just a first step. There are still mountains of thong underwear aimed at young grade school girls. Tight belly shirts still abound the malls.

But it’s only because parents have become too permissive. Your daughter wants to go to school looking like a slimy Bratz doll? SURE! Let me buy you matching outfits!

Kudos to the parent who protested these perverted panties. We need more just like them. Armies more.

STOP SEXUALIZING OUR DAUGHTERS!

Take a stand. Put your money where your mouth is. And maybe, just maybe, parents will once again be able to find decent clothes for their daughters.

Be Somebody!! Even If It's Somebody Else!!

Wearing costumes was too good to save for just Halloween when I was a kid. It was not out of the ordinary to find a young Spencer Hughes wearing an old Batman Cooper Costume around San Francisco in the middle of July.

I look back and I think: "How embarrassing!"

But I was a kid!! I didn't have inhibitions yet! Watch a child sometime...they do funny and embarrassing things all the time and they don't care!

One of my favorite comedic characters is Tony Clifton, the alter ego of the late great comedian Andy Kaufman. Clifton is worth doing a "You Tube" search if you are not acquainted with him. Although he may not be for the faint of heart or the thin skinned. You see, Tony always said what was on his mind. He didn't care what ANYBODY thought about him. It was always "their loss" if they didn't understand him.

After years of toying with the idea, I recently decided to go for it. My Sweetie spent a bit of time on e-Bay and ended up ordering me all the components of a Tony Clifton outfit.

I have never had more fun in my life playing harmless pranks on unsuspecting people around me!

You see, when I was a kid and wore that Batman costume...I BECAME the Caped Crusader. And now as an alleged adult, I become Tony when I don the wig, mustache, aviator glasses, and bad, smelly smoking jackets!

This weekend I tricked my own MOTHER! It took her ten minutes to figure out it was her one and only son under the disguise and the attitude.

I find that doing this is very therapeutic to play "Uncle Tony" once in awhile. Even the kids love it. They go from being not too sure to wanting to come up and give him (me) a hug. And sometimes the wig and mustache go missing. Hmmmmmm.

Everybody needs a crazy Uncle Tony. And sometimes...everybody needs to BE a crazy Uncle Tony.

So whip out that spirit gum and fake mustache and go to town.

My in-laws want to treat Uncle Tony to a night on the town. Even if it means being possibly thrown out of the restaurant.

But I will hold back and get as close to the edge without falling off of it.

And I thought hosting a radio show was good therapy!!

So BE somebody! Even if it's somebody else! Even if it's just at a family get together to fool your own parents!

It's more liberating that you can possibly imagine!

Gas Is Good

Gas is good.

No, not that kind of gas. The kind that goes into you car. The kind that keeps the world spinning around.

It makes so many things work. And it is so expensive with no relief in sight.

So why not ask Santa for a fill-up at the tank this Christmas? Heck, it beats another dozen socks or a ceramic frog you have no clue what to do with.

WCVB-TV in Boston reports that more and more people are giving the gift of gas. Wouldn't YOU welcome a gas card as a gift? Heck a few years ago it might have made a nice stocking stuffer. Now with prices seemingly climbing all the time, it makes a nice UNDER THE TREE gift.

I don't think most of us stop and consider what it costs to fill up our cars. That is, if we still FILL UP our cars. It is very rare that we fill the tank completely. Usually we'll put in $40 and cross our fingers that it gets us half a tank.

A boston gas station owner is expecting this year a 30% increase in gas card sales.

So if you're debating one of those 9 million gift cards at the checkout stand...give the gift of gas.

They'll love you for it.

Putting Your Best Foot Forward

The expression "put your best foot forward" always seemed a little odd to me, considering we don't have more than two feet. But I think we all understand the meaning: to jump into any endeavor with enthusiasm and positive mental attitude.

And a person in the news who is doing exactly that is not only someone you have never heard of, it's someone who doesn't really have a best foot to give.

You see, Wang Fang is a waitress in China who was born with her feet facing the wrong way. Imagine looking down at your toes and not seeing them because they were BEHIND you!

Since birth, doctors worried that she would not be able to walk.

Now she is 27 and not willing to do what so many of us would have done long ago in her situation--feel sorry for herself.

Not only does she not fret about her physical disability, she is not even willing to label herself as disabled.

Good for her. She can actually walk as well as others. And according to her family, she can outrun most of them!

So let's get this straight...a woman is born with a physical deformity, learns to deal with this adversity, and ends up turning it into something positive and inspiring!

How many of US would turn away a disability check when the state says we are entitled to one? How many of us don't wake up EVERY DAY feeling down and out about the silliest of things.

"Oh, no! My lipstick broke!"

"Oh, no! My car broke down!"

"Oh, no! I'm not rich enough, good looking enough, smart enough, or special enough to get what I want in life!"

Call the Whambulance, please.

Next time you stub your toe or flunk a test or think there are so many things keeping you from what you want, remember the story of Wang Fang.

And remember that your feet can physically get you places, but it's your heart and soul that do the steering.

More Elusive Than Bigfoot!

Skeptics of Bigfoot, UFOs, and other paranormal phenomenon always like to use the argument: "Where's the photographic proof??"

It's true. Out of the zillions of such eye-witness sightings, few solid and compelling photographs have materialized.

But let me make a point with my own anecdotal example. Sometimes even if you have a camera always handy, you can miss the money shot quite easily.

My Better Half insisted that our baby girl starting smiling several weeks back...when she was barely TWO WEEKS OLD.

Of course, I was skeptical. It just wasn't possible! Babies aren't "supposed" to start smiling till around six weeks, on average.

"It must be gas!" I insisted. Even when some of the kids saw the supposed smile, I couldn't get myself to believe it. I started sounding like Men In Black: "That was a weather balloon you saw, not a UFO."

Well, I have now seen it with my own eyes! And even her doctor was amazed. It is very rare for babies to start smiling THAT young.

Even though between us this is our sixth child, we still run around with a camera around our necks acting like the stereotypical first time parents. We can't take enough pictures of God's little masterpiece.

HUNDREDS of attempts later, STILL no photographic evidence of a smile! She would get stubborn. The camera would get stubborn and freeze up or take forever to snap, always at the worst possible times!

But this morning...it finally happened...something more elusive than Bigfoot!

A picture of our smiling baby girl! I made an idiot out of myself and, as usual, it worked!

And this time, Mom was around to snap the picture. I have included it in this blog. Hope it makes YOU smile, too.

And now if you'll excuse me, there is a gigantic serpent like creature in our swimming pool and the camera just finished charging.

Who's Your Daddy?

A British study finds that one in four children do not consider their own fathers to be "close" family.

More boys surveyed chose a soccer star as their role model over their own fathers.

This is a sad reflection on the culture of fatherhood, British or American.

It has been assumed for a long time that fathers aren't as important to their children and their developments as mothers are. And look at the results. We reap what we sow.

Fathers are often too busy...at work, at play, at SOMETHING. But you are never too busy to be their for your children.

When I first got divorced, my children's peers asked them when they would ever see me. The biggest fear a child can have after a marital split is that they are not going to ever be with one of their parents. Or that the back and forth will diminish time spent with their parents.

It's true ONLY if you make it so. I spend more quality time with my children now than I ever did when I shared the same address with them full time.

Time is what you make of it. I still know some fathers who are NEVER at school plays, sports, or birthday parties. I used to drive 240 miles roundtrip just to spend 2-3 hours with my kids.

Meanwhile, I knew plenty of fathers who LIVED with their kids and didn't ever spend that long of a stretch with their own children. Even in a WHOLE WEEK!

This study is distressing. But it is not shocking. Dads need to stand up and be fathers to their children. And the system needs to be changed so that able and loving fathers ARE allowed to spend more time with their children, even after a divorce.

So work hard and bring home the bacon. But never, ever miss your child's birthday, graduation, or other milestones of life. You may not remember someday that you did.

But your children will never forget.

And they need to consider you close family...because you ARE.

Luckily more and more fathers are making the choice to stay at home as much as they can. It's a great thing to see, and a societal reminder that fathers are just as important as mothers in the emotional, physical, and spiritual well being and upbringing of children.

Please Don't Shoot The Piano Man

Remember the days when restaurants had pianists in tuxedos playing the songs of the ages? I do, and I am a Generation X-er. One of my favorite such places when I was a kid has long since been bulldozed and replaced with a cookie-cutter strip mall.

And now some Nordstrom stores are doing the same. More and more stores are...gasp...replacing their decked out pianists for piped in popular music. What a shame. It reminds me of the days when musicians actually played instruments.

Although it is not a corporate directive, the belief is that many customers think the piano is outdated.

WHAT NONSENSE. Is that why the music of Beethoven has lived on for hundreds of years?

And you know what? I wouldn't cater to any customer that believed that. Maybe store clerks should be rude and obnoxious since many Americans obviously think manners are outdated, too.

American culture has lost its sense of elegance and class. Would your grandfather have been caught DEAD eating at a restaurant with his mouth open, baseball hat on backwards, and his elbows on the table?

I know I sound much older than I am as I lament the demise of pianists at Nordstrom. But something is lost here. And I don't think anything has been gained.

If I wanted to listen to top 40 tunes I would turn on a 10 watt radio station. They are a dime a dozen.

I want to dedicate this blog entry to the memory of Mario Ferrari. He played the piano in classy Sacramento restaurants for several decades. I remember endorsing a restaurant where he used to play, tuxedo and all. He always wanted to please the customers. I fondly recall how he would follow each request with "Oh, yes, that's a nice one!" There was never a tune he didn't know how to play.

Except for maybe something by the Spice Girls or Justin Timberlake.

At least we have the mall stores for that tripe.

Stand Up & Slim Down?

Don't just sit there, do something!

It might not even be necessary to do ANYTHING. Just STANDING there and looking pretty may be enough when it comes to losing weight.

HUH??

Researchers are finding that a huge problem in America today is that too many people...gasp...sit down too much. What a shock!! A nation of drive-thru EVERYTHINGS is a sedentary nation?

But the research isn't just pointing out the fact that sitting around means we aren't doing more physical activities.

The enzymes in our bodies that help us burn fat can actually go dormant when we sit down for prolonged periods of time.

That might explain why I feel fatter when I do the show sitting down! Lately I have been forgoing the stool and pontificating while standing up. No chair. No net. Nothing.

Maybe the pounds will start melting off of me!

Don't get too excited. Standing around doing nothing isn't going to give you the body you necessarily want. But one thing is for sure, it doesn't help your weight loss plans to sit around too much. The researchers recommend "puttering" more. It'll probably drive everyone around you crazy, but what the heck.

So stand up, go get yourself a piece of pie, and quit sitting around so much!

Snooze Or You'll Lose

One of the most maddening facts of life is that we rarely take advantage of opportunities even when they are shoved right into our face.

It's kind of like the movie cliche of the guy who has his sights on the bad (or good) guy and doesn't pull the trigger when they have the chance. It's one of the most cliched scenes in cinema. That's the best way for the serial killer in the woods to keep coming back for more sequels. You don't nail him in the head with a shovel when you have the chance. Oh well.

How about rarely sleeping in when you have the golden opportunity to rest? Anyone with kids knows that it's easier to wake the dead than to get a child up for school on most days. And yet they always seem to be up at the crack of dawn on weekends and vacations when they COULD be sleeping.

I think we are all guilty of this. Most of us shrug it off and figure we will just "catch up" on sleep at some "later" point, like the weekend.

But new research is finding that for some people, it may be too late to catch up on precious sleep.

Those with chronic sleep deprivation may, in fact, damage their ability to do this. Research out of Northwestern University looked at rats and found that those that were chronically sleep deprived didn't catch up on sleep even when given the chance to sleep more hours.

So whether it's the baby keeping you awake or the workload you keep bringing home night after night, try to get as much sleep as possible.

I need to do the same. But...yawn...it's just so hard.

I am just fine with 5 hours a night tops. Really. Do I look like I'm not OK?

Don't answer that.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

One Stop Shopping For The Soul

It's sad to me that "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium" didn't make the top 10 at the box office this holiday weekend.

What a shame because it's the sweetest and most special movie of the season...maybe even of the year. Maybe of the last few years.

It really is that good. It opened on the 16th of November and I have already seen it twice. And I plan on seeing it again before it leaves theaters. This is the movie I will insist getting in the most deluxe version I can when it finally hits DVD.

Dustin Hoffman gives us his most heartfelt performance since "Rain Man" as Mr. Magorium, the eccentric but lovable 243-year-old owner of the Wonder Emporium. This is the most unique toy store in the world because it runs on the magic of optimism, imagination, and faith.

Natalie Portman plays Molly, the insecure manager of the store who finds out that she is set to inherit the store from Magorium who is convinced it is his time to "leave" this world. But she second guesses herself and wonders if she has the magical touch needed to keep the tradition alive.

Zach Mills steals our hearts as the 9-year-old who just can't spend enough time down at the store. He is the kid who is a little different than the other kids because he has an unyielding hope for the world and humanity despite all the odds that the real world promptly delivers us. When told that it's impossible to jump up and get his cowboy hat that has blown up and gotten hooked about 7 feet off the ground, he promptly says "maybe I just need a running start"!

Think of how much we could all accomplish if we had the optimism of a child! Kids feel they can do these things because no one in the adult world had "gotten to them" and told them that something is impossible to do!

Even though I have never really been a fan of Jason Bateman, he does a nice job as the account--or "mutant" as everyone quickly calls him--who Magorium hires to get his paperwork in order before his departure. Unfortunately, the task is daunting because the store owner hasn't kept a close watch on his profits and losses over the last several centuries. It's fun to watch Bateman's character progression through the course of the movie.

This movie will pump a lump in your throat and make your soul sing all at the same time. It's the best movie on carpe diem (remember "seize the day" from "Dead Poet's Society") that I have seen in a long time.

There are so many sweet and poignant moments, including the one where Magorium tells Molly that her life is an occasion and that she should rise to it. Simple words that pack a big punch. How many of us make our life an occasion? Let alone RISE to it? Most of us sadly chose to merely exist instead of to LIVE.

I don't think any other actor working today could have pulled off the role of Magorium the way Dustin Hoffman does. There is a wonderful scene in which Molly lays out some bubble wrap at a local park to have Magorium do a little dance to celebrate his long and happy life. I saw that scene through the eyes of a child. What innocence! Remember when all we needed to be happy was a pile of discarded boxes and wrapping paper? Megorium dances to the song of his soul and it makes us all want to dance with him.

But unfortunately, most of us are as tightly wound as Bateman's straight faced accountant. Most of us are too self conscious to dance on a floor of bubble wrap in our own living rooms let alone in a crowded park. But wouldn't it be nice?

I think a lot of people are shying away from this movie because the previews might portray it as a just another "Charlie & The Chocolate Factory" knock off. But it isn't. Far from it.

Willy Wonka was a narcissistic nutjob who loathed the children who made his candied treats a success.

Mr. Magorium is the man whose very existence was predicated on making other people happy. We should all be so lucky to know a person like that in real life.

The movie's tagline is "You will see it when you believe it"--so true. And perhaps one of the reasons why many critics have been lukewarm at best about it. You have to have imagination and hope for this movie to make its biggest impact on you. It doesn't have car chases or explosions or murder, mayhem, and naked people frolicking around.

I'm not expecting you to resist the sex appeal of Patrick Dempsey or the bloodshed of "Beowulf" at the movies.

Having said that, I am daring you to take a chance on a movie that will most certainly put a little extra bounce in your step and song in your spirit. "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium" isn't so much a movie for kids as it is a movie for the kid in all of us.

The kid who is dying to burst out and dance on a pad of bubble wrap.

The Turkey Doesn't Care When You Eat It

I can't believe the level of anxiety surrounding the next several days. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, which has sadly become a day filled with stress, congested freeways, delayed flights, and sold-out cranberries and stuffing.

If only everyone didn't celebrate it on the same day!

HEY!! What a GREAT idea!

My family actually celebrated Thanksgiving this past Saturday. We had all the kids together. My parents were able to attend. It was very nice.

And relatively stress free.

After all, I wasn't competing with a zillion people for our 22 pound bird. The aisles were overflowing with cans of pumpkin and evaporated milk. For the first time in a long time--maybe EVER--I did not have to go to backup stores for sold out menu ingredients.

The parking lot was empty. The streets and highways were empty as well.

We celebrated early because we had all the family together on Saturday and we knew we wouldn't on Thanksgiving itself.

But why don't families do this ANYWAY?? Does Thanksgiving really HAVE to be on fourth Thursday of November?

Imagine if all those people at the airport spread their flights out over a week or so!

It's probably too late for you this year, but it's something to consider for 2008. Having your feast and giving your thanks within a week of the "official" Thanksgiving isn't going to kill anyone.

I am sure the relatives will swoon over your grandmother's dressing no matter when they enjoy it.

And remember this--the turkey doesn't care when you eat it.

So I will think of all of you tomorrow and how most of you will be stressing to get to the in-laws on time or whether or not the store has another bag of potatoes or how anyone will make it when a tanker truck overturned on the highway.

Have a wonderful and happy Thanksgiving this year, whenever you have it. And don't forget to remember and be thankful for all those things we all tend to take for granted. God, family, friends, country, health, and World of Warcraft.

And now if you'll excuse me, I have some left over dressing that has my name on it.

A Turkey of a Pardon

I was really upset with President Bush when he was so forgiving of Scooter Libby. I thought that was a big mistake.

But there is some other coddling going on that I disapprove of as well--the Presidential pardon for the National Thanksgiving turkey!

Why did President Bush pardon the turkey today? Because he always has. And so have all the other presidents dating back to the tradition's origins during the Truman administration. He actually saved the necks of TWO turkeys.

Sure, it's sweet and syrupy and exactly why I DON'T LIKE IT!

These are tough times! We are fighting a diabolical enemy for Pete's sake! Our kids are too thin skinned! We need to toughen up as a nation!

So the turkey HAS to go. Sorry. It's Thanksgiving. That's what we do. We EAT turkeys. We don't forgive them!

We celebrated our Thanksgiving this past weekend and I thank God that no one pardoned our succulent 22 pound bird.

Admit it. You want a President who will buck tradition, get up there and tell the turkey it has seen its last days.

Ok, ok, so maybe a few children will cry and vegetarians will be outraged. But still. It's an idea that really should be gobbled up by our future presidents.

The turkeys names, if you care about things like that, are May and Flower. Get it?? MAYFLOWER??

I liked the Vice President's names better--lunch and dinner.

And now if you'll excuse me, I have a leftover turkey leg just screaming to be put between a couple of slices of bread.

Gobble, gobble!

Boiled Alive

Prawns feel pain. Lobster feel pain.

That's what a new study concludes.

So now you are once again supposed to feel guilt for enjoying that boiled Maine lobster. Guess we are supposed to feel their pain, maybe?

Sorry, but I am not going to stop eating crustaceans because some professor found that prawns that had acetic acid daubed on their antenna tried to wipe it off.

Wouldn't YOU wipe something off that spilled on you? Why does this have to mean they felt PAIN?

And what if they DID?

Life is full of pain. For all of us. Just to varying degrees.

The animal rights nuts are trying to convince us that the pain you would feel severing your limbs is somehow the same pain that a lobster feels when boiled alive. Or that hooking a fish is the same as hooking your grandfather.

There's a big difference that they fail to see--YOU are a HUMAN BEING. The LOBSTER is SEAFOOD.

Until lobsters evolve to the point where they can toss US into a pot of boiling water, life is what it is.

Red Lobster tonight, anyone? Give me the biggest one in the tank, thank you.

"Ho, Ho, Ho" No Mo?

Every year there comes a new salvo in the war on Christmas. At least this one is in another country. Well, it DOES have ties with America since the company in question has offices here.

Talk about politically correct nonsense. Austalian Santas are being told by recruitment firm Westaff to change their "Ho, ho, ho" to "Ha, ha, ha".

HUH??

Why on earth would they do this? What is so offensive about the classic Santa greeting?

It could scare children. And it might be offensive to women.

Scare children? Since when does "Ho, ho, ho" scare children? Clowns used to scare me as child. And maybe Santa's beard when I was really young. But never his cute little sayings.

Offensive to women? You see...you can't say "Ho, ho, ho" and not expect women's organizations to get cross with you.

This is, of course, utter rubish. Another excuse to attack Christmas.

The Santas are being told to say "Ha, ha, ha" instead.

But won't that make kids think Santa is laughing at them? Ridiculing the toys on their lists?

See? There's always a Bogeyman if you look hard enough.

Has Marriage Gone To The Dogs?

Just when you thought marriage was really in trouble in America, in some parts of the world it has literally gone to the dogs.

Call it karma if you like. But Selva Kumar's past had haunted him long enough. He committed unspeakable acts against two innocent mating dogs. So to atone for his sins, he decided there was really only one thing to do.

Marry a dog.

No. It's not a joke. Cut the laugh tracks. He really married a dog.

And in India, it's perfectly OK I guess.

So Kumar married a 10-year-old pooch named Selvi.

Maybe I am not the most culturally tolerant person around, but this story has my name written all over it.

"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

"I Scooby Doooooooooooooooooo!"

Imagine if this family had a Thanksgiving dinner next week. Wouldn't you love to be a fly on the wall at THAT party?

"Could you pass the Snausages, please?"

"Please don't scratch at the table."

"I hear your family has fleas."

"Are you spayed? You can always adopt at the shelter! How many litters do you plan to have? It's never too early to save for college! "

"Selvi, you are roughly 53-years-old in human years and Kumar, you are roughly a year old in dog years. How do you possibly think this can work?"

"Please don't sniff the guests, it isn't polite."

"Woof! Woof!"

"Will you be registering at Pet Smart?"

"HONEYMOON?? You're barking up the wrong tree!"

Hey, I wish them the best. A recent study claims we will be marrying robots in the not too distant future. So why not a dog?

After all, you're supposed to marry your best friend, right?

Veterans Day 2007

Today is Veterans Day in case you forgot and are feverishly shaking the doors of your bank wondering why the heck they aren't open.

That's why you won't get any mail today. And it's why the kids are home from school, although they probably don't know that unless you take the time to explain it to them.

It's just another day off for millions of children and adults. An excuse to stay another night in the mountains or to have a final BBQ for the season. We are a nation of 3-day weekends worshippers.

Such a shame, isn't it? Even though our nation is currently at war fighting an unspeakable evil, it seems that there is still a huge mental disconnect with so many of us here at home.

Kids were told on Friday that they had the day off today, but did teachers really spend more than 10 seconds to explain why? Did they even spend THAT much time?

The sad fact is that today is a day of leisure and fun and little is spent contemplating the reason most government offices are closed today.

Some districts are debating whether or not kids SHOULD be in school today, in order to learn the lessons of Veterans Day. That would be a nice idea, if the curriculum actually addressed Veterans Day and its importance. But it would be of little use to make kids go to school if it were just another day of math and science and spelling.

As we lose more more veterans every day, including thousands a week from the World War II era, it is up to all of us to make sure the significance of this day is never lost. Talk about it today with family and friends.

You can have your extra day in the mountains and that farewell BBQ. No one is trying to take those things from you.

Just please don't ever forget that it was the spilled blood of veterans that gave you the freedom to do so.

Whining & Dining: Perception Is Reality

I enjoy a nice glass of wine once in a while. Although I am the first to admit I am no expert. Not by a long shot. I still can't tell you which wines go best with lamb or which you should avoid with seafood.

Nope. I'm not into that. I just enjoy the taste of wine every now and again.

A wine snob, I am not.

But many people are. We all have seen them. Some of us know them. Some might even live with one.

If my life depended on it, I couldn't tell you the difference between a cranberry aftertaste and a nuclear aftermath. Tannins, shmannins. It either tastes good to me or it doesn't.

But it looks like many of these so called experts might be full of more than just wine and cheese. Some of them flat out don't know what they are talking about.

A few years back a researcher from the University of Bordeaux conducted a couple of experiments that concluded many wine experts are just overrated egomaniacs.

The first experiment gave them the EXACT SAME white wine, but one of the samples was colored red with dye. NOTHING ELSE changed.

The critics were ALL fooled and described the white wine as if they had just sipped the smoothest red they had ever tasted.

WRONG!! It's WHITE WINE, you phonies!!

Experiment #2 involved putting a cheap wine on an expensive label and the expensive wine on a cheap label. The verdict? The cheapo wine was the best ever! Four stars! And the expensive wine? It was described as "weak, flat, and faulty" by the "experts".

Perception really is reality. I have played such mind games with my own children. I will swap out a generic cereal or pop tart for their favorite name brand kinds and they never can taste the difference. Kind of a different result than the above experiment.

But it reminds me of the recent study that found that kids like even vegetables if they come in a McDonald's wrapper.

Perception really is reality. That's why I am glad my listeners always picture me as tall, dark, and handsome. Even though in reality I am a dry red with a slight hint of blackberry.

Or is that raspberry? I can't tell the difference sometimes.

So just quite the whining and let's make a toast to a nice glass of wine. Regardless of whether or not it goes with the lamb.

K-9 Karnacks?

One of my favorite Johnny Carson characters was Karnack the Magnificent. Remember how he would read the answers and then guess the questions? Classic stuff.

New research suggests that our doggies might be K-9 Karnacks in their own right.

A Canterbury University psychology student has just finished a Masters research project that concludes dogs may have the ability to read our minds.

OH COME ON NOW.

I can't get my dog to sit down, not jump, or lay down. And I'm supposed to believe she can read my MIND??

If this is true, why doesn't she run away every time I contemplate the location of her bark collar? Why does she jump into the car when she KNOWS I am taking her to the vet to get a SHOT??

I am not denying the intelligence of dogs. Just the intelligence of MY dog.

But seriously. Isn't this just ANOTHER attempt to humanize our animals? The raw, ugly truth is that our dogs are still animals, no matter how fancy that sweater is that we just knitted for her.

I'm going to play mind games with my dog now.

Hey wait...where did she go??

Welcome To The World, Baby Girl

Thanks in advance if you missed me last week. Our baby girl was born on Tuesday and what a joy she is.

I know that all parents say it about their children, but she really is a beautiful little girl. A chip off the old block. She has my thin, fuzzy hair and everything.

Even though--between us--this is our sixth child, you never lose that sense of amazement and wonder and joy and staring at a little, tiny human that you helped bring into the world.

You watch them for every waking moment that you can. And then if you run out of waking moments, you watch them every semi-sleeping moment you have left over.

It makes you feel like pushing on a little harder each day. Here is a child that depends on you for EVERYTHING. What a WONDERFUL RESPONSIBILITY! What an incredible sense of love and duty!

I was afraid that I had forgotten everything from changing diapers to patting down the best burps after a feeding. But you never forget any of it. It all comes back to you.

And her bountiful siblings are in absolute love with her. It is so rewarding and reassuring to see 5 older siblings taking such good care of her and paying her so much attention. They are fawning over their baby sister and relishing every moment of it.

Family is a wonderful thing, isn't it? Sure they can drive you absolutely out of your mind sometimes, but in the end most of us wouldn't trade them for the world. Whether you have only a few good relatives, near or far, or have your very own Brady Bunch like I do...adore them. Treasure them. Learn from them. Teach them.

Man, I'm starting to sound like a Crosby, Stills, & Nash song. Am I getting that old?

So welcome to the world, Baby Girl. It may not be in the best of shape, but Mommy and I will make sure we do all we can to make it as beautiful for you as you have for us.

I love you.

Haste Makes Waste...So SLOW DOWN!

Even a positive thinking person such as myself falls prey to Murphy's Law and the occasional snowballing of unfortunate instances.

This morning was fairly chaotic to say the least.

My usual routine involves making breakfast for the kids and getting them off to school. No problem, right?

Right.

USUALLY.

But have you ever noted that when you kind of slide out of bed and make your first series of mistakes, the mistakes just keep on coming!

This is NOT a coincidence! There really is something to the self fulfilling prophecies that are present in our lives. And we are usually to blame for them. All of us have shouted at some point "I am having an AWFUL day! It just keeps getting worse!" Yep.

Our ATTITUDE is to blame for most of this. A positive attitude might not always bring you good fortune in your day. But a negative attitude guarantees you will see faults and failure in everything.

For example, today I had a 15 minute span that was misfortune right out of a Charlie Chaplin movie. It had everything but staccato piano rifts in the background!

Again, I couldn't find the car keys. I looked EVERYWHERE!

Everywhere that is except the front door lock. I had turned the keys from the outside when I ran back inside and left them there. It was only a momentary distraction but enough of one for the memory of my keys to vanish from my crazy brain.

The key lesson here, no pun intended, is don't panic. Sometimes the keys are in the most obvious place--in the keyhole!

Ever notice how when you try to RUSH through traffic, you are almost guaranteeing that you won't make it on time?

You say things like "I can't be late! I can't miss this meeting!"

Well, guess what? Research suggests that our mind filters out the CAN'T part and only picks up on "Be late!" or "Miss this meeting!" It's true! We tend to focus on the things we DON'T want in life instead of the things we DO want! We say "I can't afford to be sick!" or "Don't break that vase!" Instead we should say "I am healthy and just getting healthier!" or "Be careful with that vase, OK?"

Haven't you noticed that you ALWAYS hit the red lights when you are in the biggest hurry? When you are calm and collected, the green lights come to you like excuses to a politician. They are everywhere!

Haste truly does make waste. It's not just a silly old saying that the older generations taught us. It's completely true.

So take a load off. Get to where you need to go today with a smile on your face. Ease up on the steering wheel AND yourself. Breathe.

And marvel at all the green lights!

Cereal Killers: Or Spencer's Nostalgic Moment #682

I must be getting old because I can't go a day without something making me nostalgic.

It could be a song or a sound or a smell. But it can instantly shoot me back to my childhood. And my childhood was a pretty happy place to be.

Recently as I pushed my shopping cart up and down the aisles of one of my favorite stores that will remain nameless (Target), I stopped and scanned the cereal aisle.

And yes, I became nostalgic. Right there in front of the discounted box of granola. It was pretty pathetic, I have to admit.

Remember the days when kiddie cereal had toys in them? I mean IN the boxes? The toys weren't fancy or expensive, but they were treasures to be mined at the bottom of a box of Frosted Flakes.

You can still get the toys, but now you have to send a zillion proofs of purchase and money. And they don't have the same charm as they used to.

Once in a while you still find a toy packaged in the cereal box, but incidents like the mercury-in-the-battery scare from a few years ago probably have scared most of the manufacturers off. Who wants to risk a lawsuit if a dopey child reaches in and swallows a decoder ring?

Who could forget the excitement of sticking your whole forearm into a freshly opened box of cereal? Remember when you pulled your arm out and it--and the toy--smelled like your favorite sugary delight?

Kids are missing out on so many things. The saddest part is that most of them don't even realize it. These simple joys don't seem to be enough for today's kids. They would rather play with something that takes 400 batteries. Or better yet, something that runs on rocket fuel.

And now if you'll excuse me. There is a bowl full of Smurf Berry Crunch waiting for me in the kitchen of my mind.

Excuses, Excuses

The first principle of success, as set forth by Jack Canfield and other pioneers of the motivational-living crowd, is to take full, 100% responsibility for everything that happens to you in life. From the friends you have to the money in your wallet. Everything happens as a result of decisions you have made in your life up to this point.

That is why it is so important to take TODAY by the horns and realize that what happens NOW will shape your TOMORROWS for years to come. And your life today is what you have made of it in years past.

But how can some people get to this moment of clarity when they will make excuses for the most heinous of actions?

Just when you think you have heard the "best" of the worst excuses, there's always another one to shock and dismay.

A 20-year-old man pleaded guilty last week to assaulting his girlfriend's 2-year-old boy. He admits kicking him out of the way and then squeezing his face. Can you IMAGINE this?

While your mind is still trying to process the horrors of this act, let's take a look at the EXCUSE this beast came up with.

He's not a morning person.

Don't laugh. That's what he told the judge. He's not a morning person.

The child had bleeding near the brain, and his perpetrator can only say he is not a morning person?

The judge ordered psychological evaluations for Juan Arreola. He could possibly get more than 20 years in prison for what he did.

It doesn't look like Juan is ready to get past that first principle of success, taking 100% responsibility for our lives.

If justice prevails, Juan Arreola will be a much older man before he ever gets the chance to lurk in society again.

That would be the best and boldest cup of reality for a non-morning person to gulp.

Help! My Baby Destroyed My Fun!!

The love of my life and I are eagerly waiting the birth of our precious baby girl. We can't wait to hold her for the first time and see with our own eyes the miracle we helped to create.

We are not the least bit concerned about what our daughter will do to our social life. Why would we care? Especially after 6 children between us?

Well, a new British study (aren't they all...when was the last good study out of Norway?) finds that 2/3 of mothers claim that having a baby all but destroyed their social life. The ladies studied also resent their partners for continuing to hang out with friends just as they had before the birth.

I am no expert. But after several children, I certainly have a few opinions and thoughts I will share with you.

Having a baby changes EVERYTHING. You will never look, feel, taste, smell, hear anything in the same way every again.

You will see that harmless lost Lego as a potential choking risk.

You will be awakened by the simplest change in the sounds of your child's breathing.

You will brave the thickest jungles of uncertainty after you survive your first messy diaper.

You will realize that a parental instinct will kick in (or SHOULD kick in) that would allow you to disembowel a 50 foot giant if any harm came upon your little one.

And yes, you will notice a change in your social life. No doubt about it. Things will never be quite the same again in terms of your "hanging out" lifestyle.

BUT...this is not a negative thing. So don't let it become one!

You learn that your child becomes the most important and special thing in your life. Those Tuesday bowling nights with the guys and your weekends of fun with the girls SHOULDN'T be as important to you after the miracle of a child!

You just adapt. I don't mean to be too harsh, but I think the women who are affected the most are the ones who can't get past the fact that they are not 16 year-old social magnets anymore. So what? Do you really WANT to be? That's fun when you are young and stupid, but come on! There comes a time when nursing your child to sleep should take the front seat to a fruity microbrew at the local pub.

You might notice that your single friends or friends without kids might slip out of the picture for a while. Maybe forever. It's sad when this happens, but the pressure should be on them to adapt to YOU, not the other way around. They shouldn't expect you to be able to take off on a minute's notice and head for the mountains. Life gets more complicated, but it's a GOOD kind of complication.

You might start hanging out with other new parents, too. The more, the merrier! There is nothing wrong with socializing with people who share such an important thing in common with you! Plus, this makes for a nice mutual support group (Did Janie get sick too today when she ate the fleas off of FiFi's back?).

So if you aren't ready for these radical life changes, you might want to reconsider having kids. They WILL change everything. No more movies whenever you want. No more fancy restaurants as often as you used to go to them. A night at the opera might be replaced with a day at the zoo. But so what? THE BARBER OF SEVILLE is awesome, but so is watching a gorilla stare you down and scratch its chin.

And there's always grandparents, friends, and neighbors who could make great baby-sitters when you find the urge to bowl with Len or sip a cold one with Vickie gets too overwhelming.

As for the guys bolting on the ladies and having fun as usual while their better halves stay home with the responsibility? That is inexcusable! Shame on the men who do this. It doesn't even occur to me to do this. I WANT to come home and have fun with my family.

Bowling can wait. And there are only so many fruity microbrews a guy can drink before people begin to talk.

So suck in your gut and realize you are a parent first and homecoming queen or kind second. Grow up! Life changes! You just had a BABY! Smile! Enjoy every beautiful moment of it!

And now if you'll excuse me, I need to go clean up some spilled fruit punch and pick up dirty Sponge Bob undies.

Have A Nice Day!

It's funny how the little things can really make your day.

As I dropped two of my boys off at school today, a young girl who was volunteering as "loop" monitor (any parent dreads the very idea of getting into this serpentine line of coffee deprived parents dropping and picking their kids up at school) told me to "Have a nice day, sir!" as she closed the car doors.

Wow! This simple little sentence combined with the smile of a happy 3rd grader really kept me on the right foot today.

The last thing I tell my kids when they parachute out of the car is "I love you guys, have a great day!"

What other option is there? Would you want to start your day with any other affirmation?

Maybe, "Hey, Honey! Be sure to have an utterly awful day at the office! Maybe you'll get fired today!"

Or maybe, "Hope you flunk that math test, Sweetheart! Be sure to think about me in detention today!"

No way.

Call me overly peppy today. But you can start your day at one of two places. The right side or the wrong side of the bed.

Which will you pick?

The 920 Calorie Burrito You Don't Have To Eat!

What would my Hispanic ancestors think of this--a breakfast burrito with bacon and hash browns as part of the condiments. Yes, they would probably fight a gag reflex.

But there is no doubt that the new Hardee's Country Breakfast Burrito will be filling the bellies of plenty of hungry commuters.

All 920 calories worth. OUCH! Almost a THOUSANDS CALORIES before lunch even rolls around? 60 grams of FAT? That'll keep you warm this winter. And so will all of those extra pounds.

The Food Police are, of course, already going bananas over this fatty feast. But you know what the beauty of it is? You don't HAVE to eat it!!

Yes, you can actually go for a lighter option. Or a snack. Or maybe make yourself a bowl of...GASP...Bran Flakes before you leave the house (that's what I did today and I am still a little grumpy from it).

That's why attacks on fast food are so silly. No one is forcing you to do anything. The government shouldn't force feed you this junk. But then the government shouldn't take it out of your mouth, either.

So buckle up and hit the road Breakfast Jack. There's a new burrito in town.

I'll stick to the chicken salad. Ooops! That has 83 grams of fat.

Think I'll have another bowl of bran.

Another Reason To Fear The Dentist?

Dentists have a bad reputation already for being scary people, thanks to people like me who cringe at the thought of having their teeth scrapped and their gums poked and prodded.

Now there is a dentist in Woodland, California who is taking the stereotypes and phobias to a new level.

He allegedly fondled the breasts of more than 25 female patients over the years. Get a load of this--he and his attorney are arguing that the fondling was actually a MASSAGE needed in the treatment of TMJ.

I didn't go to dental school, but something seems fishy here. Breast fondling as part of a dental procedure? Were the male patients treated this way as well? Wouldn't the women have been told this was part of the treatment ahead of time and made to sign some kind of a disclosure form before subjecting themselves to this?

One patient claims he fondled her as many as SIX times over a TWO YEAR period. Something seems fishy here, too. What woman in their right mind would let this happen over a prolonged period of time without telling someone? Didn't it seem rather BIZARRE at the time? Wouldn't YOU have gotten up off the chair and walked out, threatening a harassment report or a lawsuit?

The dentist is fighting for his practice, citing the fact that he has to feed his 7 children and pay for his defense.

Call the Whambulance.

No offense to dentists, but this sounds like the latest alibi from an excuse-happy culture.

And now if you'll excuse me. I have a urologist appointment I need to cancel.

Look, Listen, & Learn

A high school student once again went bananas and shot up classmates and teachers yesterday, this time at an alternative high school in Cleveland.

He shot and wounded four people before turning the gun on himself.

What a tragedy. But not a tragedy without ample warning.

According to students, the shooter had talked about shooting students and even blowing up the school. But no one seemed to take him seriously. Some worried students claim the principal was too busy to listen to their concerns.

The student allegedly had a long history of mental problems. He tormented teachers and bickered with students. He was suspended just this past Monday for fighting with a student.

He dressed in a black trench coat, dog collar, and chains. Something only the most permissive of parents would let their child go dressed to school in. But we dare not interfere with our child's self expression.

At the time of the shooting, he apparently was wearing a Marilyn Manson t-shirt and black finger nail polish.

He spent time in two juvenile detention centers, once for slapping his own mother and calling her vulgar names.

He threatened to commit suicide.

He was suspended last year for attempting to hurt a student.

He cussed out his teachers.

He recently told other students that there was no God. That Marilyn Manson was God.

Is it fair in this day and age of political correctness to accurately label this kid a "problem child"?

There were possibly more warning signs with Coon than with several of the most recent school shooters put together.

But not enough people listened apparently.

What on EARTH was this kid doing in the same classroom with any other student, alternative school or not? Would you want YOUR child working, playing, and spending the day with someone like this?

I hate to break it down to such a simplistic answer, but this is what the permissiveness of our society has reaped.

The cold, hard truth is that this kid shouldn't have been in a school of technology and entrepreneurship. The system was clearly trying to mainstream a student that never was able to live in the same world with the rest of us. He should have been committed for the long haul and given the treatment that he obviously needed.

The only bright spot in this chaos is that the only one dead right now is the killer himself. That doesn't happen often in school shooting incidents.

Next time, we might not be so lucky.

But we do need to realize there WILL be a next time. That is why it is so important that adults stop today and look in the mirror and do three things--look, listen, and learn.

And for God's sake, don't just sit there. Do something.

You're Welcome

Whatever happened to people saying "you're welcome"? Do YOU hear it that much anymore? I sure don't.

The cool catch phrase that is as ubiquitous as clueless drivers is "no problem". Everybody says it. Not just the young, hip kids either.

I don't know exactly when everything became a non-problem, but I don't like it. Why should that be the response when I thank a store employee who points me in the direction of drill bits? Why WOULD it be a "problem" that I am asking them for directions?

"I appreciate your help!" No problem!

"May I have more ice tea, please?" No problem!

How about a polite "you're welcome" instead?

Short blog. Big pet peeve.

I feel better now.

Not that there's a problem or anything.

Liberal Lucidity

Some of you might be wondering how I could have possibly used "liberal" and "lucidity" in the same sentence as the title for this entry.

Hey, Spence! You meant "stupidity", right? Did you really mean LUCIDITY? As in "clarity, especially mental clarity"?

Yes, I did. Let's be fair here. Even ultra-liberal San Franciscans can attain a level of lucidity that might seem unimaginable to even themselves.

Case in point--the homeless problem in the City By the Bay.

Even as a child, I remember the urine soaked stairs I used to navigate with my mother just to get to school. The endless hands reaching out for money. The collective breath holding that everyone would do on the bus whenever a homeless person got too close.

And it isn't a distant memory, either. It's gotten worse over the years. The prevelance of the homeless and the panhandlers is one of the reasons I don't visit San Francisco more often. They are EVERYWHERE. Former Mayor Frank Jordan tried years ago to combat the problem, but was seen as mean spirited. Many argue his tactics cost him re-election in the City of Eternal Compassion.

But this shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. Like illegal aliens, San Francisco has catered to the homeless for years. And now they wonder why the problem has spiraled out of control.

What IS a surprise is that more and more San Franciscans--even self proclaimed lefties--are waking up to reality and realizing they are FED UP with the bums, the panhandlers, and the drug pushers. They want their city back.

In a previous blog, I chronicled the epidemic of needles that are turning up in once family friendly places like Golden Gate Park.

One father describes how he finally reached critical mass when his wife and kids came back from the park and saw a man "throwing up on himself" on the corner by their home.

A statistical analyst says "People are just p----d. For the first time, even the left is saying they've had enough."

Maybe there IS something to the saying that a conservative is a liberal that was mugged yesterday.

Maybe the people who really need to wake up WILL wake up to things like this.

And to things like 9-11, Islamic extremism, and illegal immigration.

If San Francisco lefties can have a moment of liberal lucidity over the homeless epidemic, anything is possible.

Classroom Chaos

Remember the old days when the worst thing a student would do when a teacher left the room was shoot a spit ball or talk up a storm?

Maybe the more severe cases of rule breaking involved swapping test answers or mild profanity.

There is a case in Ford Bend County, Texas that shows just how far we have fallen down the proverbial slippery slope.

Imagine getting a letter from the principal of your child's school informing you that two 8th graders were performing a sexual act in front of the rest of the class.

In the past, the anger would have rightfully been directed at the STUDENTS. But not today.

Nope. We blame the teacher for leaving the kids unsupervised. Some parents are shocked at the lack of supervision, seemingly MORE than the lack of dignity and respect on the part of the students involved.

Sure, kids need to be supervised. And no one is suggesting that the inmates run the asylum. But shouldn't a teacher be able to step away WITHOUT having to worry that their students are going to perform lewd acts in fron of the class?

Is it ok to run a redlight, so long as there are no cops or cameras nearby? Is it ok to cheat on your spouse the minute they walk out the door for work? Is it ok to steal a diamond just because the jeweler turned their head from distraction?

Of course not.

But I guess kids will be kids, right? I guess kids can't control their animalistic impulses. And the adults should know better, not the kids themselves.

I put the blame on the students involved in this incident. The school says both the male and the female student involved have been disciplined. Nothing short of expulsion should be the threat hanging over the heads of hormone raging teens.

But what about the parents? Aren't they liable to some degree? Does a child who is raised right do things like this? Where did they learn this? And why weren't their own parents paying attention to the warning signs that more than likely existed well before this incident?

Bring back the days of spit balls and the more harmless horsing around we grew up with. They sure beat the anarchy and insanity that can crop up in our schools today.

Busted By The Fuzz

I got pulled over yesterday.

Yeah, you heard it here first. No point in waiting for the tabloids to make something more of it than it was.

I rolled through a stop sign. Not that there is ever an excuse for this, but there were NO pedestrians or cars anywhere to be found. It's a new neighborhood and most of the stop signs aren't even in yet. Plus I was a man on a mission. Again, no excuses. I did something wrong.

So there I was, rolling through the stop sign when a local law man pulls me over. I saw him even as the momentum was pulling me out of my right hand turn.

I did what I have done in the past (the few times I have been pulled over anyway). I actually did the pulling over FOR him. I knew he was coming after me, so I spared him any hardship (although he still felt the need to flash his lights at me).

It was your classic California stop. Not quite RUNNING the stop sign, but not quite stopping either.

"Why did you do that, Sir?" the officer asked.

And I told him the truth. I was in a hurry to get home because my Better Half was having contractions 5 minutes apart and I wanted to get her to the hospital if needed. I was cutting corners to shave off time. I didn't want to jeopardize her safety or miss the birth of my daughter.

There. It WAS the truth.

And he gave me a break. A BIG one. The last thing I need right now is a ticket.

Although I now feel kind of guilty that he DIDN'T give me a ticket. I never asked him not to. He listened to my answer and decided he would let me off with a warning. I didn't deserve it, but I got the break anyway.

Now I am stopping a full second beyond what is required at EVERY STOP SIGN. I'm like the smoker who ALMOST had a heart attack. I felt I was given a new chance at life, in a small kind of a way.

Luckily he didn't see the 27 illegal aliens in the trunk and the meth lab under the hood. Not to mention Michael Vick and the pack of neighborhood dogs in the backseat, none of them wearing seat belts. And was that Larry Craig in the front seat with me?

Just kidding.

There were only 24 illegals.

Happy Birthday Atari 2600!

It's hard to believe that the classic Mother of all gaming consoles, the Atari 2600, turns 30 years old this month.

That REALLY makes me feel old. I can still remember the excitement of opening up that huge box back in 1977. It must have been a Christmas present that year. And it was so amazing. And at $200, that was a lot of money in those days. Thanks Mom & Dad for splurging on me like that.

Those were the days of simple graphics and unparralled gameplay. Games didn't have to have photo realistic graphics or need sex or violence or hype to sell. We didn't KNOW games would look so real someday and we didn't CARE.

You had Donkey Kong and Pong. Pitfall and Adventure. Even games as AWFUL as E.T. had their fair share of charm.

As I write this I can hear all the sound effects and digitized music. Kids hate that stuff today.

But anyone who owned an Atari 2600 knows that home console gaming all really began with that boxy classic that still provides hours of fun and nostalgia.

It's sad that for kids today, nostalgia is what you feel for the album or game or television show that came out last month. There is no sense of continuity anymore. Anything more than a year old is too old to enjoy. Everything has to be NEW and NOW.

Kids look at those old graphics and awful sounds and think "CHEESY" is the only word that comes to mind.

But kids had imaginations back then. Video games didn't suck the life out of you the way they can today. A kid today can't even UNDERSTAND how you could take a tiny white triangle in the middle of your television and "make believe" that it was a rocket blasting apart asteroids in deep space.

Those were the days before we even knew Mario had a brother. And back then he was a carpenter, not a plumber.

Games weren't anti-social. Families played them together and every game was rated acceptable for EVERYONE (if ratings had existed then). There was no need for "Rated M" games because it never occured to anyone to make a game where you kill police officers or punch innocent people in the face.

Young gamers should bow down to the black monolith born in the bowels of Silicon Valley 30 years ago.

Their XBox 360 and Wii wouldn't exist without it.

Where's The Treat In This Trick?

We made our first family trip to the local pumpkin patch this season and Fall was definitely in the air. I love this time of year and it is so fun to see the scarecrows and the autumnal colors dotting the landscape.

But yet another childhood tradition that you and I most likely grew up with is disappearing for the youngsters today--wearing your costume to school on Halloween.

Remember those days? I can see and smell and taste and feel every second of those marvelous days of wonder. And who could forget the old fashioned Cooper Costumes. There were a million different characters but they all had the nostalgic "rubber band" holding the mask to our gleeful faces and the smell of the plastic had the power to repulse or inspire depending on your age.

I fondly remember bobbing for apples and having the school gym converted into a spooky haunted house. I can still see those lockers looking like caskets peeking out from behind all that dried ice!

Looking at the school materials my children have brought home this year, it looks like Halloween costumes are NOT permitted. But the kids can wear free dress.

Oh boy. Yippie. So cool.

So LAME.

Why do we keep stripping our children of everything fun from these character and life shaping years?

I bet there are many factors at work here.

Kids will be too scared by some costumes. Some kids can't afford cool costumes, and less fortunate kids will have their self esteem destroyed.

Perverts. Columbine. Terrorism. Heat stroke. Allergies to latex, makeup or fake blood.

Whatever the excuses, I am not buying ANY of them.

Thank God the pumpkin patch still had the petting zoo and the train and the pony rides.

But for goodness sakes, let the kids wear their costumes to school for Halloween. Let's not forget to sprinkle some treats along the road of tricks that children have to traverse in today's sanitized America.

Take Me To The Hospital...NOW!!

My Better Half and I are approaching that four week window to the birth of our daughter. We are very excited. But I am very nervous at the same time. What if we don't get to the hospital on time? What if our precious little girl is born in the frozen food section of Target?

Here is a story that has a strong and obvious moral--when your Honey says it's time to go to the hospital, drop EVERYTHING and GO!!

A husband in the news today didn't think it was that pressing, apparently, when his wife gave him the sign it was time to head to the hospital.

He felt he had enough time to get the other kids ready for school AND make a pot of coffee.

NOPE!

Their daughter, and 9th child, was born in the family SUV instead of the delivery room. They even named her "Carlee" because of the experience. Talk about life in the fast lane. Man!

What is really funny is that the wife is a labor & delivery nurse. And it IS her 9th child. You would think she AND hubby would know better.

At least baby is healthy and the family is doing well.

So guys, when she says it's time--it's TIME. I don't care if you just got into a Halo 3 deathmatch.

Drop everything and just go!

Just as an aside, we popped in a really funny movie last night--KNOCKED UP. Anyone who has ever been pregnant or ever thought of having kids ought to see it. Funny stuff.

It puts life's endless twists and turns into perspective. And we ALL need that.

Thanks For Flying With Us...Now Buy Something!!

They finally did it. Advertising tycoons finally realized they were missing out on a golden opportunity for reaching large numbers of people.

Starting next month in Dubai and coming soon to a major airport near you--big billboards on the runways!! YAY!!

Think about it, now you can be sold cars and cola and other forms of happiness right as you touch down on the runway! And if local ordinances allow for it, some of the ads will be lit up for those afterdark landings!

Isn't that just what you want and need as you grip the armrest and your ears and brain are decompressing?

I really am surprised that no one had thought of this before. Talk about a captive audience! You'll be so happy you landed safely that you'll probably buy ANYTHING at that point!

While they are at it, I have some ideas for them. How about ads on the floatation devices? In the bathrooms? On the headrests in front of you (they already do this on the screens, I mean on the headrest itself, all the time)? Why not advertise on the window flaps? On the fronts, backs, and foreheads of the flight attendants?

See, I really am in the wrong business.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go buy something. The billboards in my head are telling me to.

Objects In Mirror Are Dumber Than They Appear

Last night a friend of mine and I were driving to pick up my car (the one that was the subject of my infamous 20 foot ladder blog entry) when we started talking about new automobile technologies and trends.

We both agreed that much of this innovation will ultimately result, albeit unintentionally, in greater numbers of incompetent drivers.

I mentioned cars that have cameras on the rear bumpers so you can navigate parking spaces more easily.

Is this really necessary?? Isn't parking a BASIC SKILL that all drivers should be expert in?? How about cameras on our beds to show us if we are going to roll off the edge?? BEEP BEEP BEEP! This is RIDICULOUS.

People will become dependent on cameras to help them park.

He mentioned a technology from a manufacturer which will remain nameless that would actually scan speed limit signs and "alert" the driver as to the current speed limit in the area. Is THAT necessary either??

Shouldn't drivers be paying ATTENTION to road signs? Maybe this technology is for those who would rather read a book or put on makeup or change their clothes instead of keeping their eyes on the ROAD!

Again, people will become dependent on scanners and cameras to help them drive the right speed. But then again, even that wouldn't stop people from speeding any more than current speed limit signs do.

From breathalyzers to start your ignition to whispers of cars that will drive the whole family to school and work and back again while everybody sleeps--technology will lead us to be less responsible, not more.

Next thing you know pedestrians will have glasses that look both ways for them before they cross a street.

And what would Mom think about that?

Send In The Clowns

Last night I took the family to a childhood tradition--the circus.

And not just ANY circus, mind you. But the "Greatest Show On Earth"--the Ringling Bros. & Barnum & Bailey Circus.

Two of my children had been to it over the years, but it was the first time for three of my boys. And the looks on all of their faces made the $84,000 that it cost to go worth every penny. Priceless laughter and astonishment.

Plus it was a surprise. They didn't know why we were doing our homework so early and heading hurriedly out the door. Not a bad way to spend a school night, hmmmm?

There is nothing quite like the look on a child's face when they see a human cannonball for the first time. Or the daring young man on the flying trapeze. Or the tigers pawing at the trainer in the tight spandex and Spanish accent.

And there is nothing quite like the look of a parent when they see how much the nachos and sodas cost. They should have defibrillators at every concession stand. Bill Gates would have needed a second mortgage. MAN!

Anyway, if you are lucky enough to have the circus train stop by your town, you really ought to go. Even if you don't have kids. Even if you have to take out a loan. It's worth it.

And kids need as many innocent childhood traditions as possible, since everything from the Slinky to the ice cream truck has either been dumbed down or taken away.

Where--outside of Congress--can you see someone make 3 flips in a row and land unscathed?

They don't call it the Greatest Show On Earth for nothing.

And now if you'll excuse me, I have a tightrope to walk called a radio show.

How I Broke Into My Own House

Before I describe the fear of standing on a 20 foot ladder and climbing into my son's room through an unlocked window, let me set up the events that brought me to that fateful moment.

I had to take one of our car's in to a shop yesterday after the show. A friend of mine drove one car while two of my kids and I drove up in another.

Thirty minutes up, thirty minutes back. No problem.

Oh no, there was a problem alright.

See, my friend had earlier picked up the kids from school due to a minimum day and had left the spare key inside the house for me as we all left to take the car.

I then locked the front door as I always do and we all headed up to the mechanic.

I handed the keys to the cashier, took my invoice, got my friend and the boys in the car, and made the drive back to the house.

ZOINKS. That's when the fun began. No house key. Remember? The spare was INSIDE the now LOCKED house and MY key was on the key ring I handed the cashier at the mechanic's shop.

Stupid me!!

But wait!! I had left the windows open on the first floor the night before. Maybe I could find an open one and crawl in!!

NOPE. All locked.

I came around the front and found that my two boys and my friend had gotten into the tandem garage because the kids had left the manual door unlocked.

BINGO!!

No, bingo. False alarm. You see, like a good, safe homeowner, we keep the door from the house to the garage...LOCKED.

So at least the garage fridge was open to us and I consoled the kids that at least we wouldn't starve to death. They didn't find that humorous. They had more life threatening things to worry about than starvation. There were video games to be won and skateboards to be ridden! And I was the one standing in their way.

The mechanic had agreed to leave the key under a rock for me, but I didn't want my son to miss his karate class within the half hour. If we drove back, he would miss it. Not the end of the world, to be sure. But I wasn't going to interfere with something he has taken a great interest in just because of my mistake.

My eyes rose to the second floor and our ticket inside--open windows. The easiest in terms of height would have required teetering on the roof a little too much for my taste. Not to mention squeezing my once svelte physique into a narrow window that a stuffed animal would have trouble passing through.

I would have to get the ladder up to the highest window. But it was nice and wide and only a flimsy screen and my unyielding fear of heights stood in my way.

I looked back at my boys and at my friend and I knew it was now or never. I had to be a man, even for just this one time. It was the right thing to do. The only thing to do, really. I had to climb. UP THERE!

So as scared out of my mind as I was, I slowly made the 20 foot climb and didn't look back. Or DOWN for that matter.

I yanked that screen off the window and lowered myself in as if our lives depended on it.

What is the moral of this story?

Well for one, always, always, always hide an extra house key somewhere around.

Secondly, I should have payed more attention to that story in the news of a burglar who learned how to break into houses from watching a show on the Discovery Channel.

More importantly, it's good to face your fears once in awhile. It doesn't mean I am going to throw myself from an airplane or stick my head in a lion's mouth at the circus, for goodness sakes.

But I now know that I can, in fact, climb a 20 foot ladder into my son's room no matter how much it scares me. I just don't think I am going to make a habit out of it.

Oh, and in case you were wondering. We made it to karate right on time.

All in a radio talk show host's day. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I am going to go back to the always fun job of prepping for my show. And hey, at least it's a lot safer than ladder climbing.

Mandatory Belts?

Will belts be mandatory someday? I don't mean seat belts. I mean the kind you are probably wearing around your waist.

Don't be shocked if government mandates one day require you to tighten up and dress right.

The War on Saggy Pants rages in America.

Somewhere along the line, men and women stopped being dignified in their daily attire and fashions became inspired by prisoners and harlots. Imagine for just a second if your grandparent's generation would have been caught dead flashing their boxer shorts or belly buttons in public. In fact, your grandfather would have probably walked up to a teenager and pulled his pants up FOR him.

I had guessed incorrectly that the baggy pants epidemic would have disappeared by now. Instead, it is EVERYWHERE you go.

Some cities are clamping down on the look, going as far as hefty fines and even JAIL if your bare bottom is exposed.

The ACLU has labeled it profiling and racist, of course. Even though all races apparently like to look like a sloppy hooligan now and then. This is not about race. It is about perception. It is about how you want the real world to label you.

How ELSE do you think society will label you, if not as a thug or a slob? Is it racism if a boss doesn't hire somebody who looks like they just crawled out of bed and put on somebody else's pants?

By the same token, I don't think city governments should make this an issue for themselves to tackle. Let the parents and schools deal with this. Have parents put down this "they are just expressing themselves" garbage and start being parents again. Schools need to start sending kids home when they come to school looking like a bad music video.

Just remember that this is a societal blight that COULD go away without the government's involvement.

We just need to return to even a modicum of dignity and self respect before it happens on a wide scale. And THAT might take time and restraint and responsibility.

Unfortunately, we are running short on all three.

Will Steal For Hair!

A Long Island man was arrested this week for stealing $50 worth of Rogaine, a topical treatment for hair loss.



I know all about it. I used to use Rogaine. It doesn't matter whether it worked or not, the bottom line is I desperately used it as a last ditch effort to put a few hairs back on the top of my head.



Rub, rub, rub went the Rogaine into my bashful and vulnerable scalp.



I even tried the prescription drug Propecia for a little while. And then my first child came along and I wasn't going to play with fire (why take even a small chance on side effects that MIGHT harm yourself or loved ones?).



Finally, I looked myself in the mirror, sucked it in (as best as I could), and admitted that I was a bald man. And that there were WORSE things in life than that. I was healthy. I had supportive friends and family. I hade my dream career. I wasn't homeless.


I just didn't have as much hair as I used to.



Something tells me that this bandit felt as much embarassment, if not more, than Senator Larry Craig did getting caught in the Men's Room.



But there is no need to be embarassed about hair loss. Just go with it. You COULD spend countless thousands of dollars trying to get a little bit of it back. But come on now, why WOULD you? Be yourself, even if you are Folically Challenged as I am.



Working so hard for more hair isn't worth it. And chances are you will get more compliments shaving your head than you ever did on your BEST Do Days. Go for it!



And I am sure this crook is regretting his hairbrained scheme right about now.

Who Says There Isn't A Free Lunch?

Don't tell the growing Freegan movement that there isn't a free lunch. They won't buy it. LITERALLY!

These individuals won't buy lunch...or any other meal, for that matter. Why buy when you can spurn capitalism and just eat out of a trash can?

And that's exactly what these people do. They forage the inner cities for anything edible that individuals or businesses have thrown away.

We are not talking about homeless people, either, according to an article this week in the Los Angeles Times. If anything, these people are allegedly often middle class and college educated.

That is their whole point. They don't HAVE to eat like the homeless. They CHOOSE to dumpster dive in order to fight the Man, help the planet, and save money all at the same time.

Some of them even pick up old beat up furniture somebody might have left at the curb. Some live in abandoned buildings or with family (whose to say which is worse?).

To each his own. But I don't want them crying to me if they stick their hand into a bag with a syringe or get sick from food poisoning or disease. You wouldn't share a soda with a family member you knew was sick, so how could a sane person take a chance on potentially eating a sick person's leftovers?

Freegans wouldn't find anything worth digging through at our house. Between the dog and me, there isn't much left by the time the trash goes out to the curb.

And now if you'll excuse me. My son left some syrup drenched waffle remnants on his plate. And is that a last sip of cold milk in his glass?

Who could ask for anything more?

Why We Always Have Time For The Pain

I ran into a friend yesterday at my son's karate class. We hadn't spoken in literally 4 years even though our daughters were best friends since birth.

It was nice to catch up. Our conversation flew back and forth between the mundane to the 9/11 anniversary today.

He reminded me that I was the one who called him up that morning to tell him about the World Trade Center being hit. He was asleep and stumbled to the television and I still remember clearly his "What the HELL is going on?" response to me.

My son was born two days earlier and came home from the hospital on 9/11. It should have been a day filled with loving memories and good cheer. But in fact, I can barely remember most of the details of that day OUTSIDE of the attacks. Memories of my son's first expressions have been lost to images of fireballs and death.

Why do we tend to remember the painful, awful memories in our lives while oftentimes forgetting the seemingly unforgettable moments of joy?

Thanks to a new study from a Boston College psychologist, the answer may finally be at hand.

Negative events tend to be remembered in greater detail than pleasurable ones because the brain could be preparing us for future occurances of those events in question. Is that why I am STILL afraid to swim at age 36? Because when I was a small child someone knocked me into a pool and I panicked? It's my brain's way of warning me so that this trauma and danger never happens again, perhaps.

So isn't that all the more reason we SHOULD be reliving the memories of the 9/11 attacks today? I am ASTOUNDED and SHOCKED at the drive many people have to forget what happened a mere 6 years ago. Too bad that it is a "painful" thing to think about. It happened. TO ALL OF US.

Even though some may be collectively trying to put that terrible day behind us, the wiring in our brains could very well prevent us from doing it.

Our minds record every action we have ever taken, and every action ever taken upon us. But there seems to be good reason why we are reminded of the not so great times a little more often than we might like.

It's a warning signal that enables us to thrive, survive, and persevere.

Maybe we should listen to it.

Set Your Alarm So You Don't Forget

Tomorrow is 9/11. But you might want to set your alarm to remind you in case you forget.


But I fear that even with a collective alarm clock, Americans will simply hit the snooze button and continue slumbering.


Tomorrow is the 6 year anniversary of the 9/11 attacks on America. It was contemporary America's Pearl Harbor. At least it was 6 years ago. But like Pearl Harbor, the anniversary is already losing its power and meaning. It has just taken a lot less time.


I look in horror at countless stories on the wires about how people are already, it would seem, ready to put that infamous date behind us.

My son just turned 6 over the weekend. I will never forget the day we brought him from the hospital. It was a joyful day eclipsed by the horrors played out on live television. I woke up in the hospital room, my newborn beside me in his crib, to the sight of the second plane hitting the World Trade Center.

We were at war. I said it right there and then, right out loud.

And we are STILL at war.

Many have already relegated the "war on terror" to the trash heap of used up bumper sticker slogans.

I hope they never do the same with 9/11.

It may not be too late to stop it. So set that alarm clock tomorrow if you need to.

But personally, I will never hit that snooze button again.

The Ice Cream Man Leaveth...

Soon after we moved into our new home this summer, I heard the distant but unmistakable sounds of an ice cream truck. By my best estimates, it was still several blocks away and I had plenty of time to scramble the kids outside for a nice cold respite from the 105 degree summer heat.

As we stepped out to the truck when it finally arrived, I realized that at that moment, my family and I were living in an episode of Leave It To Beaver. How nice!! Of all the relics of childhood, some as sacred as the ice cream truck had somehow managed to survive!

At least a few companies had. But all you have to do is Google the childhood staple of innocence to see that they are disappearing as fast as common manners.

They make too much noise. They enable obesity. Kids run into the street. Some of the drivers end up being shady (or worse).

Cities around the nation are going after the ice cream truck. Cities like New York and Boston have gone after the repetitive nature of the tunes that are played. And the companies are being blamed because parents are dumb enough to let their 1-year old run out (apparently not very well supervised) and get killed.

What a shame.

Save the ice cream truck! If I won the lottery, I would buy a truck and inbetween radio shows pack the family into the back and help bring joy to countless thousands.

And I would never get sick of the same song, over and over and over and over again.

Hey, Ice Cream Man! It was nice to know you. Please keep coming back to our neighborhood. We promise you'll never get a cold shoulder from us.

Ay Caramba, Ingles Por Favor!

Ok. Enough is enough.

I am TIRED of going up to a drive-thru and not being understood. I am TIRED of repeating myself 8 million times just to order a cheeseburger and a soda. I am TIRED of wasting countless HOURS every month trying to make myself clear to people that SHOULD have understood me the FIRST TIME.

So here is what I will do from now on, and maybe you might consider doing the same...

Next time I am at a drive-thru (or inside the eatery, for that matter) and I run into someone who can't speak or understand English very well, I will DEMAND that a manager find me someone who can!

The same way people can gripe at a hospital to get them an interpreter, I will do the same at my local junk food palaces. Or gas stations. Or banks. Or ANYWHERE that doesn't respect the English language.

I am going to do this. Maybe managers will get the picture that this is AMERICA.

Muchas gracias for listening to me rant.

Aqui Se Habla Ingles!

For all you red blooded American Gringos who--shame on you--think English should be the official language of our nation, the title of my blog translates to "English is spoken here!" That should be the only spanish language billboards that immigrants see.

But I see them all the time along the sides of highways and in the cities around me. Beer ads. Cell phone ads. Home loan ads. Spanish, spanish, spanish.

It's bad enough to always have to press a number for your OWN language when you can a customer service line. But to have to see giant messages in a foreign language is more than an assault on our senses. It is an assault on our CULTURE, in my opinion.

Now we have a car dealer in South Florida who is airing Spanish language ads for his business. So what, you might ask. Well, this has been done a million times--on SPANISH LANGUAGE TELEVISION. The difference here is that the ads are running on ENGLISH LANGUAGE CHANNELS! That's right, on the major stations and networks.

I am a capitalist and perhaps this is just the logical direction businesses must take to chase the Almighty Dollar.

But it stinks in my book. People who do this should be ashamed of themselves. Not only is it mindless and shameless pandering, it is also an assault on our language and nation.

I only wish more people would see it that way. But the fact that we are seeing beer ads in Spanish while we are stuck in traffic, pizza chains are accepting PESOS for payment, and now car dealers are advertising in foreign languages on English language networks CLEARLY shows people aren't seeing it that way.

Press 1 if you need to re-read this blog in Spanish.